Jamie Williams

Legend or Myth? The Diatribe of Chuck Norris.

2009-04-20T12:17:00.007+01:00

It has long been alleged that Chuck Norris is hard as fuck. Harder than granite, it is even suggested that he put paid to the Periodic table of Elements by stating that there is only one element; that of surprise. Unless you've only just left Guantanamo Bay there's little excuse for not knowing about the legend that is Chuck Norris. But if you do have one, have a quick look here: Facts about Chuck Norris

Yes, once I found these comical, they raised a titter... I even believed these statements to be factual and truth, I trusted such facts more than I trusted Wikipedia. And that says a lot.

Why wouldn't I? Just look at some that Norris himself likes, if the man himself says it, it must be true?

And so on... it seems the wonder of Chuck Norris is such, that his toughness can never be questioned.

Until now.

Lastnight, during the hour you decide between bed and looking for an excuse to stay up, I found the film Fist Of Fury whilst channel skipping. As it was halfway through I was only absentmindedly watching it but something, something prompted me to look up the lead actor on Wikipedia. Do I really need to inform you that this lead actor was Bruce Lee?

What I found on Wikipedia leads me to suggest that this supposed legend of Chuck Norris is the product of foul play.

Allow me to explain. You've read this far now you may as well.

Bruce Lee is the original. The original iconic martial artist, the first film star ninja, he even has his own martial art for fucks sake! As far as I'm concerned, Chuck Norris pales into insignificance when compared to Bruce Lee. Just look at some of the physical feats listed on Bruce Lee's wikipedia and recognise that they are proven.

What the fuck!? He could punch his fingers through a full, unopened can of coke? I can't even open a can of coke with my fingers properly! This man is a machine! He could catch grains of rice with chopsticks! And this is shit that has been witnessed by people, has anyone actually seen Chuck Norris run around the world so fast and punch himself?

Didn't think so.

I think what has happened here is that Chuck Norris facts were originally written with regard to Bruce Lee. They could have been robbed from him when he died or something. And maybe they only surfaced in the last few years because Chuck Norris took forever to translate the mandarin or cantonese or whatever it is into english. Yes, I am digusted also. How could you Norris? How could you?

What actually upsets me most of all during this is, according to wikipedia, Chuck Norris actually attended Bruce Lee's funeral. Shame on you Chuck. Shame. On you! You stood over that legend's grave whilst secretly plotting to steal his limelight. You may as well have squatted and laid a shit over the grave such are the manner of your actions, passing off the merits of Bruce Lee as if they were your own?

Look at this photo of you two together.

Just who do you think you are kidding? You don't even sport the same physique as the man, for fucks sake Chuck!

And seriously Chuck, what the fuck is this all about?

Guns? GUNS?!?!? When did you ever see Bruce Lee with guns you fucking fake? Get a grip.

Just who the hell do you think you are? For years you've passed yourself off as tough, you encourage these rumours, not facts, that you can't even authenticate, and you even dared turn up to the man's funeral. I spit on you Chuck, *ptuh!*

So there you have it folk, Chuck Norris is a fucking imposter.

God bless you Bruce Lee, you fucking badass.

"I cannae get a signal, can you? What network are you wi?"

2009-04-05T20:08:00.002+01:00

Hahaha, check this out: Mosques Point to Hell not Heaven!

So it seems that Mosques, built hundreds of years ago on the ancient site of the greatest bingo hall that ever was, Mecca, do not point the right way towards some Kabaa thing, a superior mosque or whatever... BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I especially love this part though, when trying to play down the problem:
"There are no major errors but corrections have been made for some old mosques, thanks to modern techniques," he said.
"In any case, it does not affect the prayers." as if he's talking about network connection problems... it doesn't affect them, like they still get through? What about the ones that don't get answered? Hmm... maybe some cunts are forgetting to drop the 0 and enter the Allah International dialing code? Which is +72 obviously due to the 72 virgins... which reminds me, if anyone does know any virgins, a good friend of mine who shall remain nameless, you never know who might read this, is looking for one.

That's all.

Pro-Plus: keeping me going?

2009-03-30T05:15:00.001+01:00

Pro-Plus: keeping me going?, originally uploaded by Jamie_Williams.

Forget the pints, got less than a week to bash oot ten thousand words! :(

Choking on a pint!

2009-03-28T15:37:00.002Z

That was me, around the start of summer last year... Oh, how I can't wait to be finished my dissertation, through with exams and enjoying saturday afternoons with a nice cool pint! Except that particular image was snapped at 6am on a sunday morning waiting to get picked up and head to a car show, wild.

Clutter!

2009-03-20T01:49:00.004Z

When I reflect on all the websites I've logged into, all the forums I've registered with, how many email addresses I have (off the top of my head I can think of five!), services such as online banking and all the different passwords and usernames I have to remember, I get this mental image below:

And frankly. it's all getting a bit much. I'm going to clear out my inbox, reply "Unsubscribe" to all the pointless emails I get, and generally clean up my internet history and activities. Not the porn though, I'll never give up the porn. But what I mean is, there's the one they call beambeam, and then there is Jamie Williams. One is outrageous, another is the lovable rogue adored by all friends and family alike, and it's time that I start clearing my tracks a little bit.

We live in a fucking bizarre world these days, most noticeably there's been a paradigm shift in media over the last ten year, I say ten because for me, 1999 was the year I first had a mobile phone and began to use the internet for more than just supervised sessions at the school library, during this time I've been privvy to many changes in the way we use the internet.

From simple browsing, literally not knowing what was out there, to knowing today, that there really isn't anything you can't find on the internet, rather than list exotic examples, I'll let your imagination run wild, trust me, you'll find it. But more often than not, the internet lands people in trouble these days, and as I leave the student life behind, it's something I'm increasingly aware of.
Say that I am destined for big things, when the media start googling me to bits, I don't want a paper(less) trail leading them to forum comments and blog posts where I've made off-the-cuff, attention seeking and controversial statements, 99% of the time for the banter. We all know how the media fucking love a bit of scandal.

With this culture of lazy reporting in existence these days then, I'm prompted to gently reduce the risk such scandals in the future as well as making all my internet information easily manageable.

I refer to contemporary journalism as lazy because any fool can google a name and find some dirt if they trawl deep enough, but it's another term that I like to apply when referring to this culture - Junk Food Journalism. I like to think I coined that phrase myself but the trigger was one of the more influential teachers from my high school, (those who attended with me require no naming of names) when discussing the merits of television.

Junk Food Journalism adequately describes the style of reporting that goes on these days, the red top papers and glossy magazines seem to care more about bringing ten page spreads on irrelevant individuals than reporting more wholesomely on the more intelligent side of life, What's worse however, is that the general public seem to crave this worthless information like a fat bastard wants a deep fried Pizza, hence the use of junk food.

People are shamefully addicted to dumbed down articles that easily satisfy their craving until they need their next fix the following issue, and amongst all this, fantastic achievements by admirable characters and genuinely impacting and intelligent news go ignored, saved in a bin for titbit sections, to fill the spare columns leftover when you rinsed a celebrity getting out a taxi for as many pages as possible. It is this that drives me to effectively wash my dirty laundry, my biggest fear is doing really well at judo again or creating a great career out of sports psychology and having this sullied just because some lazy cunt of a reporter googles a bit deeper than usual, I'd hate for my achievements to be overlooked in favour of a clutch of throwaway remarks I made in the past or something I've done coming back and haunting me years later.

I think I've explained myself a little bit more than I needed to now and I bet you're sitting there googling already wondering "What's he fucking hiding then?" but truthfully, there's nothing I'm that fussed about, just... imagine if your granny could surf the web, you'd find yourself in some deep shit wouldn't you!

Whilst I'm on the topic of junk food journalism though, I wonder, will it ever change? Will I always have to go online and find the news that I want to read myself, will the nation eventually tire of it's Jade Goody's and John Smeaton's, hardly Nobel prize quality really (he says as he turns the pages of his broadsheet!) but I'd take anyone as a replacement!

Right, enough for today, have a think about what I said now now.

Time is running out!

2009-03-20T01:26:00.003Z

Yet I'm still leaving things to the last minute as ever, really fucks me off that I always seem to live my academic life on the edge, I had a cracking essay I could have churned out over the last 48 hours or so but instead, I delivered a lacklustre effort and I'm kicking myself thoroughly for it, particularly as I really didn't do well over that module which is a shame as I really enjoyed it and the lecturer is one of those ones that really has your enjoying their methods of teaching, a real sense of enthusiasm about their specialist topic as opposed to the ones who seem to see it as a chore and can't wait to get back to their office and bash on with their personal research projects.

Regardless, I think it's finally given me that boot up the arse I really needed and so the rest of my academic days will be spent with as close to 100% commitment as possible - no distractions, the missus, bless her, is even fretting about visiting me too much but my main aims the next month or so is a daily routine of training and study, maintaining absolute discipline through a strict regime.

29th April and the 1st and 5th May - Exams.

I really want to get myself a 2:1 and I think after all this time fucking about it's what I at least owe myself, plus, it's essential if I want to progress onto a Msc in Sports Psychology though when I do this shall be determined by my currently poor financial affairs. Of course, there's one other thing...

Judo. I really want to be back competing at some level again, not only for the glory and backslaps but I really miss being in fantastic physical condition and the enhanced sense of wellbeing such fitness brings.

Thankfully, I have the support of all who care about me to pursue a masters and glory, whether simultaneously or one before the other, and knowing that helps a lot, especially as I lie in discomfort as my muscles scream at me for sundays return session with Sasha, with a black eye thrown in for good measure!

One other thing...

2009-03-12T04:12:00.002Z

I'm getting rid of the mailing list feature, I no longer possess a desire to keep people "informed" off my musings here and have nothing to prove by force feeding you them. It feels sort of attention seeking and so if I can figure out how, you will no shortly longer receive these infrequent emails linking back to my blog - if you want to keep up to speed (at the current rate it wouldn't be difficult to do so) then bookmark/memorise the url.

The choice is yours, if you don't bother to read the email that quickly follows my post here and choose instead to delve into the ones promising millions of inches and pounds of cock, that's fine by me; I hate junk mail too. :)

Cheerio... cheerio... cheerio!

Neil Lee Dun

2009-03-12T03:48:00.003Z

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."
Louis L'Amour

Caught in the middle of exciting times at the moment, that's me literally sprinting down the home straight towards final exams and most days are spent taking care of coursework and preparing for a good 6-7 weeks of study for the exams themselves. Of course, I have a resit(s) and have to graduate in November at the very least but rather than let this get me down, I'll treat it as a lap of honour when I'm finished the main event. :)

Looking ahead, I've no idea what's in store for me next, whilst I harbour great plans of chasing a masters and training as a Sports Psychologist, I'm also keen to work and clear my debts first and amongst all this, try to navigate a way back into full fitness and, if all goes well, back into judo at some considerable level... It's taken me so, so long to get to this stage and for me, it really is the dawn of a new era, a chance to change certain aspects of my lifestyle and I'm looking forward to it, immensely.

Some people know what will happen next, I dare say that they imagine the hard part to be over now and already have jobs lined up, me, I genuinely don't know what will come first, but I intend on taking chances as they come rather than worrying about my "other" options, I've spent so long being indecisive and hesitating that I missed the opportunities lying before me as I weighed up the alternatives.

I'll be fine, I'll land on my feet, everything will finally feel "right".

aut viam inveniam aut faciam...
*I'll let you go google that one.

My blackbook Macbook is now a Crackbook.

2009-02-16T18:22:00.001Z

IMG_1600, originally uploaded by big_bear.

I want this fixed. Pronto

Lacking inspiration.

2009-01-06T03:09:00.004Z

I've written out several paragraphs here in the last ten minutes and then deleted them. I've looked around the room hopelessly despite it being pitch black and rewritten something else... But I'm sticking with this one, it seems apt when I try to conjure up an excuse as to why I ain't really been writing that much on here... basic lack of inspiration and motivation really, plus just too happy or busy to be bothered with it.

When I look back it, most of the time spent on here was actually avoiding certain people and chores, escaping that unacknowledged yet blatant unhappiness that filled my days, but these days things are pretty different... it's difficult to explain but the old me is back, revised. A me that was before this blogs time.

Blah... what I'm trying to say is that before, I blogged as a means of something to do, to kill my boredom, and now I find myself not so bored but pretty fucking happy :) <- see! ......

But now, I think I'll blog for fun.

Love one happy chappy.

Happy New Year.

Study... or dance?

2008-11-24T01:20:00.002Z

I'm browsing through a book on music psychology reading the finer details on arousal theory whilst listening to my ipod on shuffle and Tiesto's 'Adagio for Strings' has just fired up, just as my concentration on the works of Daniel Berlyne was waning, it may be 1.22am and yes, I am sober but I'm sure as fuck tempted to get up and dance for a bit.

Don't lie, we all do it from time to time, we close the curtains and dance like a tit for a few minutes, occasionally checking ourselves out in the mirror to see if our moves resemble anything remotely funky. And if it wasn't for the ultra-creaky floorboards in my flat I'd be doing this just now...

Just wanted to say that, that's all.

The last six months... a story of drink.

2008-10-21T02:46:00.003+01:00

A picture tells a thousand words. The following tell stories of amazing friends, the ones I love, amazing girlfriends, and my crazy adventures. No further words necessary, the last six months... before your eyes.

Alcohol, the answer to living. And a grey top.

Handy as fuck!

2008-10-21T02:25:00.002+01:00

Just look at that!!! How bloody useful is that! A wee guide to racking up the balls on your standard issue pool table found in pubs all over the place...

Now if you know me well, you'll know that I'm fucking clueless at setting the balls up for a game - don't scoff and say it's simple because it fucking isn't, for as long as I've known, I've remembered one single fact about pool and that is that there is not one single, correct, completely fair and proper way of setting the balls up in the first place. Confused, let me put it simply but explicitly, three corners, two colours. Simple as.

And that's why I can never remember which is the typical way to set them up, because in my head it just doesn't make sense, you may as well line them all up against the cushion for all I fucking care but I really really fucking hate when people moan at me like I'm a fingerless spastic saying "you're doing it all wrong..." when really, there not doing it right, because no one can.

So, it's nice to see a wee "map" if you will, detailing out a universally accepted way of laying out the balls, and I think everyone should stick to THAT, and so none of this blue balls instead of red caper either, just red and yellow, green cloth, proper cues with no loose tips and at least ONE chalk piece of adequate condition, readily available. Because I'm fucking fed up with shite slagging matches about something that can't be fixed, and poor equipment, but most of all... people making up their own bloody rules.

Especially my Mum and Dad.

Let's just get it made CLEAR, and to my dear brothers, let's use this as a drunken reference for the future arguments which will still be ongoing by the time we get back to the house from the Rocker and still arguing over their cheating ways...

1. You cannot shoot back on the black. No further description needed, this is CLEAR. (Ok, Dad?)
2. ONE shot on the black. ONE. ONE ONLY. ONLY ONE SHOT ON THE FUCKING BLACK. Have I made myself clear?
3. Pick your pocket when attempting to pot the black. Point with your cue tip, name it, whatever. No lies!
4. Two shots for a foul.
5. When you carry these two shots. Potting the first, then missing the next, means you have ONE more shot. Not this fucking missing the first ball, potting the second, then claiming you STILL have two shots. CHEAT!
6. You are no longer allowed to call for the bar owner's advice for some fucking stewards inquiry. (If I hear Mam going "GEORGE! GEORGE! C'MERE!" again I'm wrapping that cue around her nut...

Mam, Dad, if you ever see this, you have been warned, play fair in future... Barrie, Andrew, Aaron... brush up or don't play at all, you're wasting precious pool time and me and the old's have a score to settle.

Much love. xxx

Wahey!

2008-04-10T23:44:00.002+01:00

Finally got me some starfruit! How chuffed was I eh?!

Found these wee babies hiding in Tesco back home, well delighted, they weren't the best but tonight I found some fresh ones again and snapped them up... mmm, every bit as good as the very first one I had.

Apart from that, no other news, bashing on with my weight loss and getting fit, having a ball and nowt new to report... Life is good.

What the fuck?!

2008-03-04T03:37:00.002Z

I'm in the middle of an essay here, well I'm right at the beginning actually and I thought, "Have a break, Jamie, that printing spree will have tired you out..." and so I dash next door to the laundry room that is open all hours for a bottle of fizz out of the vending machine... I noticed when I did a late night wash 24hrs ago that the machine wasn't on, but thought fuck all of it, then tonight I go back out there and it's still off?

Of course, you can only but naturally assume a prankster has pulled the plug out. But no! Someone has actually cut it off. Now I'm in two minds about this, but it definitely boils down to students. 1) Some absolute fucking clown has cut it off in order to fix their own appliance by rewiring or using the fuse, which if true is downright tinky and tight. Or 2) and someone amongst these halls is pretending to lead a revolution and wants to stick it up two fingers style to consumerism, massive corporations, or whatever the fuck they are labelled... And so, one tiny meaningless gesture at a time, is attempting to upset the obviously delicate balance by hacking off the plugs that power these treasure troves of sweetness and caffeine.

I strongly suspect the latter.

Seriously though, can you be any more of a student? How fucking lame! It's about as original as buying a green duffel coat with a german flag flashing on your arm! All you've succeeded in doing is keeping me from a FANTANARANJA (I am assured that this is spanish for fizzy orange but I think not?) and I'm not kidding when I say, I could actually do with a dose of Coca-Cola the now...

2000 words to do, 2000 words to go, no fizz, what gives?

Disgusted, Edinburgh.

And counting...

2008-02-17T06:09:00.004Z

It's just gone 6am and I'm currently copying a Bob Marley CD via iTunes onto my macbook - it's about the tenth disc I've ripped in the last hour and before that, I've edited, re-edited and fetched the album artwork for about 7gigs worth of music that I copied from Adam's PC last week... Truth be told, I've going a bit mental for music at the moment.

I've always had a decent enough collection but its only been recently since I've taken the organisation of my music seriously. That's my ipod's fault, fucking scrolling album artwork feature has caused me to download/fetch/copy/burn in excess of 6000 songs in the last couple of months as I furiously try to scratch the surface of its mental 160GB capacity...

Don't believe me? Here...

Told you.

But apart from taking up a fucking lot of my time, it's also helping broaden my musical taste and knowledge, especially when I'm using wikipedia so much that I end up learning so much useless trivia about bands, who left, what got number 1, fucking telling ye, next time there's a pub quiz, count me in... Thing is though, I'm also picking up some horrendous SHITE too, like I've moved on from Bobby already and am now copying my Mum's (Honest!) Shania Twain album... why? Well, I'll admit that one or two of her songs are... catchy, for want of a better word, but also, somewhere in my head, a voice is telling me that one day, I'll be somewhere and my Mum will be asking "Got any Shania Twain?" and I'll be... "As a matter of fact... Yes! I do!!!" Fucking tragic innit? Mind you, it will provide many a theatrical sing song with my brother Barrie whenever we go down the A9.... Yes, I can hear it now, the strains of "Think Twice" by Celine Dion being bawled at the oncoming traffic...

Christ, Shania's almost finished already so as I check what to copy next.... wait... fucking Fleetwood Mac? This is wedding DJ material! Ya fucking dancer!

Can you see how I'm addicted to this shit? And what's more, this fucking macbook aka toy comes with a remote control! You have no idea unless you own one, just how awesome and leisurely it is, to be lying on your bed thumping someone whilst playing Pro Evo and during the replays, simply skipping to the next track on iTunes... honestly, if God made machines...

Anyways, I'm a busy man here, I'm looking through my Mum's CD's here and Cher, Billy Joel, The Eagles, Thin Lizzy and The Zutons are all waiting to be ripped among others... but before I go, a massive shout to Adam for letting me pickpocket his music collection, if there's anycunt that "gets me" and my musical tastes, its him... tonight Aphex Twin, Mogwai and the Deftones have been rocking my cock for example, and lest we forget the likes of Alizee and Sigur Ros?! And thanks also to any stupid fucker that lets me pop by and copy all their CD's, haha, who the fuck buys CD's, its 2008!

Latest beats?

Last: "Ka-Ching" - Shania Twain
Now: "I Know You Are But What Am I" - Mogwai
Next: "Hearts on Fire" - Rocky (Dedicate this one to my homeslice, Barrie!)

New Car News

2008-02-11T20:15:00.000Z

Well the last wee while I've had a hankering for another motor, something cheap, that needs work, and something fun... of course, it had to be another MK2 Golf Gti as that ticks all of those boxes for me and I love the look of them, so without further ado, I unveil my fourth golf!

Not bad for £300 is it? It needs a wee bit of work but most replacement parts were provided in the sale and so save a wee bit of cash towards it, just needs a bit of TLC and a good cleaning inside and out and I should be tearing up the roads the way I know b best pretty soon! With Africa taking priority I won't be spending too much on this motor until I return, hell I may even punt it for extra spending money near the time! Who knows... but it comes with the better looking lights that I prefer, a wee bit of poke and very cheap, it does the trick for now as I don't want another BMW until I can afford an M3. I'll be waiting a while...

More pics to follow in the future...

A.F.R.I.C.A

2008-02-05T02:14:00.000Z

Got a bit of good news today, and I'm fucking dancing about it - up until now I've kept relatively quiet about it as I didn't want to look a tit if I lost out and didn't get to go, but shortly before christmas I applied to go on a trip later this year to Tanzania, teaching first aid in schools. Today, I got word that I'm going.

First thoughts for many is that I probably don't seem like I want to be the next Bob Geldof, you're right, I don't. I'm not gonna lie, I've never harboured deep desires to make a difference to the world, but I do have some interest in teaching valuable skills to others, I do want to experience travel and I do want to, for the first time in a long time, take some responsibility and do something meaningful for once in my recent life, because looking back, the last few years have been a bit of a waste. So, seizing my chance to do something, I responded to the email gathering interested and www.firstaidafrica.com are taking me and a group of other students from Heriot-Watt and elsewhere in the UK to Africa in July or sometime close... I'm chuffed to fuck, I won't mince my words, I'm genuinely really fucking happy about this, for once it's nice to be doing something rather than making a wishlist about it.

Expect more to be said in future, have a look at the link, google Tanzania and do a wee image search on Flickr, you should also prepare yourself to be harassed by me wanting some funding to go on this trip, I only need a grand, I'll sort the rest out myself.

So there you have it, pretty smart, eh?

No pics or jokes here today, words speak for themselves.

Ideas for a talent show.

2008-01-30T08:45:00.000Z

Now, far be it from me to bump my gums about the quality of lecturer or material that I am given to learn with at University, but lately, it's been a fucking joke. Monday being possibly the dullest encounter I've had with an academic timetable to date. One lecturer seemed to just copy out everything on the handouts that he'd given us ten minutes previously, I'm not kidding, it took me all my bits to stop playing Tennis on my K850i and throw it at him, it fucking pissed me off, it's as if he felt he had to use every one of those sixty minutes he'd been assigned to teach us with... Most of it could have been condensed into 15mins and we could have been sent on our merry way for a panini and coffee, but no, we ended up whispering how shit this class was right now... Why do they do that?

The next lecture wasn't even slightly better, he seemed to just tell us a story, except it seemed he dropped in and out between different segments of a trilogy here, no kidding, he'd just fucking pause, and start referring back to a point that he'd digressed from where he'd initially digressed from the point of today's lecture, it was like he was re-re-re-digressing! Oh, and I bet you didn't know that he was given his name because his Mum was scared of crossing the road. I'll bet just as much you don't give a fuck either. he just dished out the lecture notes and reading materials midway then carried on with his topical tripe. I was seething, the room was far to warm, I could have used the time better than this, all sorts...

The third lecture? I was so fucked off by now that I just skipped it altogether, and so did several of my classmates, all of us felt exactly the same about the issue. Seriously, what shite rule says that they MUST use the hour given by their supervisor or whoever dictates the timetable? Why can't they even pretend they want to be there because more often than not, it's clear they don't want to be, I really feel like they could put some effort into it for us.

So, whilst doodling on my notepad and deciding whether I'd hit the third lecture for the day or not, I had a brainwave. Lecturing with a fucking twist. It involves a wee trapdoor style pit thing like Mr Burns has in his office on The Simpsons... you know what I'm talking about and don't dare pretend you don't, everyone knows the basic characteristics of a Simpsons episode. Anyway, the other instrument in my attempt to liven up lecturing, is audience participation. In case you never watched it last year, there was a show called 'Britain's Got Talent'. In my opinion Britain didn't have much fucking talent, but regardless, contestants on the show displayed their obscene "skills" like bellydancing or singing badly and as the performance went on, if the judges didn't like it, they could press a buzzer... once all judges had buzzed, you were out! No arguments, fuck all...

Picture the scene...

Or better still, an exact replica of my class, sitting quite bored and pissed off about current proceedings...

The way I see it, we could operate a pit at the front of the room where the lecturer performs for us and if we feel it just ain't that interesting, that he's wasting our time, then start slapping the buzzers and get the fucker pepping things up a bit, a wee joke, aye... one of my lecturer's last year would dabble in comedy, not always funny mind but hey, at least he fucking tried. i think I'd like a lamp beside me, so that the lecturer knew exactly who wasn't happy, then next time, if he emerges from the pit, he knows who to focus his attention on...

Yes. I think that just might liven things up a bit... haha, even better! What if shit like this happened!

GAH-RAN-TEED! Things would be a bit snappier in the lectures if this shit was happening... yes, even if I do say so myself, this is a cracking idea.

Coming to a crap telly station near you, soon.

Wish upon a star...

2008-01-24T09:08:00.000Z

*sighs* One can but dream...

Still can't find anymore of these babies, I even popped into Tesco in Dundee yesterday on my way back from the hospital but, nope, nothing. It really is like a sudden national shortage of them, yet I see on BBC news this morning that the price of Onions is set to go up as they've had a bad crop this year, etc, blah blah, aye, who gives a fuck!? Any news of starfruit? Please?

If any of my friends in Edinburgh are reading this and spot a starfruit next time shopping, either buy it for me or text me the location... I beg of you, please.

IN OTHER NEWS...

That's me sorted with my knee now, MRI scan came back with a few spots of damage but nothing major and nothing that really warrants surgery so now it's full pelt in the gym and build up the leg muscles and general fitness - gym's been good and I was back on the mat tuesday night! Long may it last!

Oh, job interview later, wish me luck.

Green Coconut - Another review!

2008-01-20T05:41:00.000Z

If you're expecting another beautiful review, don't get your hopes up as I'll tell you right from the start, the green coconut I bought the other day in Tesco's was fucking shite!

I can't even begin to truly express how disappointing it was folks, thank fuck it only cost me a quid, but to tell the truth I should be getting paid for hacking into it, well my brother Barrie should really as it was him that tormented himself with a bread knife, screwdriver, his fist, all sorts while he regaled us with tales of coconuts from his trip to the Seychelles last year, they even have coconut competitions didn't you know? I'm not kidding, and it's not your lame farmers growing massive ones either, its some kind of race to split as many open as you can, using a pole/spike, etc! Sounds fantastic!

But aye, it took Barrie ages, normally I would have done it myself but Barrie commandeered the situation as if someone asked "Is there a Doctor in the house?", which by the way neither myself or Andrew did, though to be fair I was cooking fajitas anyway... Despite this, I was able to observe completely what a waste of fucking space this thing was. It ended up all over the kitchen worktop as a mass of green peel, kind of bark stuff, something the size of a football but only harbouring fruits about the size of an egg - pure coconut milk. Fair enough it was not rank to drink, but it was hardly "mmm!" either. We tried it with some ice, but nah... just poured it down the sink and made a mental note not to fucking bother with it again.

I'm not kidding, listen to me, it's an absolutely crap excuse for a coconut, I'm lead to believe it came from Costa Rica and if anyone is reading from there, start harvesting something better you lazy cunts instead of picking coconuts from the beach, because I am far from impressed.

That's all I have to say on the matter of green coconuts, thankfully I have something new to try tomorrow but also, I'd like to tell you of my sheer terror that since that wondrous day when I first sampled the delights of a starfruit, Tesco no longer sell them, or they ain't been selling them whenever I've popped by! HELP! I need more starfruit!

I'd even say its an emergency, if I don't get one soon, I'll fall of my healthy eating wagon and end up staying fat! Thanks Tesco! Fucking thanks!

Star Fruit - a review.

2008-01-09T22:35:00.000Z

For the last few months, I've been randomly buying strange looking food items on my frequent trips to Tesco with Andrew at 4am in the morning... I absolutely adored the Pomegranate even if I did find it awkward to get at the bright and sweet goods, I then had a pop at a Pomelo, a cousin of the grapefruit apparently but I didn't like it all that much, tough to penetrate, bitter, not that juicy. It reminded me of my first girlfriend to be honest, I probably won't bother with it again. Much like the ex!

Anyways, aside from suspiciously eyeing up the random but varied selection of seeds and nuts in the produce aisles, I've refrained from my adventures of late, until tonight, when I plucked up the courage to buy and try this:

A star fruit! I've seen them before but to be fair, didn't trust the fucking look of them, not one bit. Sharp edges? It's colour just screams TOXIC! and well, they often have these wee dark blemishes on them... I've always wondered if its just the leftovers that even monkeys don't want, forraged from the floors of the rainforest - that picture is a glorious one, nowt like the ones I've seen or even the one I tried to tonight, although it was a fine specimen in the end.
Anyways, whilst my brother Barrie was just babbling some utter tripe I managed to interrupt and ask if he knew what the fuck they were and siezing the rare opportunity show folk he does have a clue about SOME aspects of living on Earth, he announced: "Aye, had them in the Seychelles a few times, just wash 'em and slice 'em." before forgetting himself and everything else and talking sheer mince again... *
Fuck it, it was only a quid or something so I launched it in the trolley and carried on to grab my carrot batons and spicy salsa dip (Health kicks FTW!) and was soon on my merry way...

Wiki/My mate told me three times, "Simply wash the fruit, remove any blemished areas, cut crosswise to get the star shape, and eat!"

So I did.

First thoughts? "Ow, wrong tap!" but then it was a happy feeling at how nicely the knife sliced through this thing, you know what I'm saying? Have you ever cut steaks from a fresh hulk of tuna? Or had an ultra sharp knife and glided it through some mighty fine cheese? It was like that, slick, just fucking awesome. It really was. In fact, even if the Star Fruit had turned out crap, I'd buy more just to cut, like a hunter whittling a bit of wood... on his rocking chair. (Do hunters ever really do that? Why did I think it was cool to whittle twigs when I was a kid? Was it just being in possession of a knife that did it, had to stab and slice everything in sight? Anyways...)

Then I did the rest, just wee, wee slices at first, then getting braver I cut some chunkier pieces in case I liked it, and you know what? I fucking loved it.

It's firm texture reminds me of an apple, its flesh is like an apples beneath its tough exterior, in fact, it was just a juicer, fresher, tastier bloody apple except it was shaped like a star! It really is fantastic and to be honest, if it was cheaper and sold in bulk, would easily outsell apples, and that's coming from a big Apple fan (And no, that's not a pathetic reference to recent posts on the blog!).

This shit should be pumped into schools asap if you ask me, and even if you don't, I'm fucking telling you, Jamie Oliver has got it all wrong, if this was marketed properly, "Look kids! You CAN reach the stars! And guess what, they're TASTY!" I can guarantee you, the parents would be back outside the school railings in a heartbeat begging for just a wee bitty of their bairn's playground snack.

I mean it, the Star Fruit is an awesome piece of fruit, I'll be buying one all the time from now on, I'd eat it with ice cream, salads, with anything, I'd even make cocktails with it if I knew how - its THAT good. What you waiting for? Go and buy one, and report back to me how much you like it too.

You won't be disappointed, not like a Pomelo.

* Amongst the continuous stream of crap that hyper-Barrie was coming out with, was some chat about some tiny banana things that if you eat before ripe are like eating crackers, I can't find anything online about them, bananatouins(sp?) but to be honest, I dunno if I fancy a mouth like a nun's cunt anyway! Has anyone tried them?

Me, the now.

2008-01-09T17:59:00.000Z

Remember the other month when I was shrieking about catching whatever it was going around my Uni, well I fucking caught something in the end though I dunno where from, started last week and I've been hacking up my apparently green insides since! Today's been a toughie like, barely five minutes without spluttering... Not very happy.

Oh, and I eventually found a hat, but it's just crap, I think I might have to splash out and buy a replacement Gstar one like the ex stole, cunt. But I'm back in my room now and I've not come across the one I lost in the first place? Where the hell is it?

Uni stuff, went well I guess, I passed everything but I'm a little pissed off that I missed out on two B's by 1% and 2% for two of my modules... hopefully I can sort something out about that, none too happy there like! But apart from that, I am LOVING my timetable this term though a lot of graft outside of classes is required and its also about time to start considering 4th year projects too... I've vague ideas that need further discussion on but hopefully I'll find an opportunity to do it on something I'll enjoy or be interested in.

That and eating well/training well is going alright, albeit slowly thanks to my coughing fits - and I'm still off the drink. I heart water.

That's all for now.

Diary of a fanboi - getting wet!

2008-01-09T17:23:00.000Z

I'm slowly, but surely, turning into a fanboi for Apple products - and I can't fight the feeling.

It started off almost 6 months ago, my laptop screen started flickering on and off, "Hard disk space left - CRITICAL!" notices firing up on a daily basis and just an overwhelming resentment at the sheer bulk of my Vaio that has served me over four years now - at 17" and beyond 3 kilos, its not exactly portable anymore.

So, I started considering solutions, first of all I needed an external hard drive which I got for christmas, 160gb of breathing room has been very much appreciated! But I was gonna struggle to afford a new laptop... and even then, what did I want? A basic "only £399" PC World style deal or go for something smaller and better for carrying about? Then I thought about the fancy but pricey 11.1" screen Vaio's, and then Macbooks... I hadn't really considered them until I realised quite a few people that I know have them, and that most of the good looking folk in Uni seem to have one too. And they're always in films these days too, can I get a "product placement" please? (It works!)

So aye, looking more into it, it seemed that an Apple Macbook was the way forward for me, and especially when I got my Ipod for christmas too, I decided I just had to have a matching accessory...

How's that for comedy inscriptions by the way? No word of a lie, that is actually scratched into the back of my Ipod! (Black 160gigger in case you wondered, oh yeah!)

Now, I've always preferred Itunes anyway, but suddenly having the toy to go with the goods was great, I fucking love scrolling through albums by their cover art, and I've been mega busy editing all the ID3tags for my tunes, I'm a bit anal about it all of a sudden if I'm being honest! So, as I got firmly acquainted with my new device, I started pricing up Macbook's, in black to go with the Ipod mind, and with my brother fetching one too... we're getting pretty excited looking up stuff about them, all the funky programmes and the nice gimmicks... we're turning into fans of all things Apple! So! Without much further ado... I give you folks, my new mac!

How fucking slick! No?

Indeed, no. You'd have to have a brain of utter mince to believe that was a genuine apple item, but please, fucking tell me if you bought that for a second, I guess tagging it "NEW MACBOOK 2008" on my flickr account just a week before Steve Jobby unveils new products wouldn't have helped! :-) Whoops!

But aye, next week at some point, there's meant to be a new range of Macbooks getting launched and so me and Andrew are holding out for that, it'd be nice to think that if the new range is too expensive or unsuitable for our needs, then it may drive down current prices on our preferred choice of 13" macbooks, but still, with cash in hand, its worth waiting a week for to see what the Mac Expo comes out with...

I do promise though, a full on parody of your typical fanboi's when we get them, we may even make a day out of it and get them from the Apple store in Glasvegas with "proud pappy" pics and stage by stage photoblogging of the unpacking process - I'm sure you just can't wait!

To be honest, anything would have done me if it ticked my boxes which were, smaller and lighter than my current falling apart by the minute Vaio, allows me to store photos, mp3s and videos, surf the net and type up documents, but you can't disagree, a macbook sure looks nice. And like I said, it seems all the good looking people have one, so its about time I joined them.

Mmm...

Whilst I count down the days before I swap from my soon to be retired Vaio to a mac, enjoy my youngest brother's rant about Macs, suffice to say, he is not a fanboi. YET. PC vs Mac

It's almost 4am...

2008-01-07T03:41:00.000Z

And I've just had some fucking moron chapping incessantly at both my room windows, to tell me, with a face of sheer joy and glee, that it is snowing.

"Jesus christ!" I said, returning a face quite the fucking opposite to his, "Is that it?"

This is why I'm slowly but surely coming to resent my time in halls here at Heriot-Watt, I'm surrounded to a large extent by minds not quite beautiful and often left wondering if there is a "special" school down the road that they've missed the turning for or something, because jesus fuck, it's only snow, we're all young adults here, seriously... you battered the glass to tell me this?

It's a shame it wasn't a real emergency, like a heart attack in the street or something like that, because people would be too busy taking their phones out to capture the event than knock on my window. I say again, it's only fucking snow! Apart from the arabs, there is no excusing that sort of behaviour.

Fucking 4am! Fucking idiots! Fucking snow! Fucking tired!

Happy New Year (Eventually!)

2008-01-04T14:29:00.000Z

Right, happy new year and all that, sorry its late but a combination of heavy drinking and shit has prevented me being on here until now - its been a bit hairy already so it has, 2008 has brought two broken down cars, fights, a knackered oven and all sorts, hopefully the luck picks up soon!

New years resolutions? To stay single as long as possible, not having a girlfriend over christmas saved me a fucking fortune and allowed to me to have some me time with minimum grief! It was ace, long may it continue... What else? Oh, to travel a bit - me and Adam always talk about a piss up in Prague at some point and so we'll make that happen this year I think, and I'm hoping to go to Africa in the summer too but not saying too much on that just now, don't wanna jinx it! And the usual that everyone elses usually says for my final resolution, lose weight/get fit. Bit of a cliche I know but I'm deadly serious this time, so serious that as of today I am off the drink folks - so for any of my usual drinking buddies reading this, not one drop of alcohol will pass my lips until most likely my birthday on the 10th of march, I'm hoping to get training at a silly rate and will be posting progress too eventually. I'd appreciate your fucking encouragement as opposed to cajoling me into having "just the one..." pint.

Not much else to say really, Uni should be alright from now on, and it will fit around training brilliantly as the timetable is pretty good, I do need a job but I'll work something out soon.

That's all folks.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

2007-12-25T16:18:00.001Z

Ho! Ho! Ho!, originally uploaded by Nigel Dourley.

First of all, Merry christmas to all who read this wee blog here, and to all those who have texted, written cards, left messages on my bebo, the works, thank you very much and I hope christmas has much cheeriness for you!

Santa's been great to me here, a cracking wee ipod classic and a few other bits and bobs like an external hard drive and my favourite, a book from this guy on Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/merkley/ which I am really chuffed about, I've admired some of his work for a while now and its lovely to recieve something with so much thought applied, so Andrew, when you read, ta much min!

Anyways, christmas dinner is away to get served soon, and then a big barney is set to kick off on Eastenders later on which should be a laugh, slaps all round! Heehee... Then its time to think up some decent resolutions and make plans for new years eve!

Enjoy your day folks, and long may this celebration of Santa's birthday continue, eh?

(Oh, credit due to the original photographer of the santa pic: http://www.nigeldourley.com/ as I feel a bit guilty using it without acknowledging it!)

Pretty cold!

2007-12-20T16:20:00.000Z

Fuck me, the last few days this week have been baltic! Proper thick coating of ice outside in the mornings, to the point that more than a few bucket fulls of water are needing to clear the windscreen! And look at this poor bugger who I found dying of hypothermia this morning as I let the westies out... never stood a chance.

So wrap up warm folks, I'll certainly be doing so as I head off to Aberdeen this evening to see them play FC Copenhagen, free tickets FTW!

I just want a hat.

2007-12-11T04:39:00.001Z

Is it really too much to ask for? A simple wee beanie hat, a tammy, a plain black wooly hat.

Like so.

Unfortunately, I've left that one, the one I've had well over a year and which is stretched beyond the size of my head these days, behind in Edinburgh as I return north for a month... and having not cut my hair for just over a month and not really in the mood to "keep" it, I find myself unarmed as my now literally flowing locks irritate me... So I thought, I'll grab a new one whilst I'm in Aberdeen today for my MRI scan (fingers crossed!) but, who'd have thought such a task could be so much hassle?

White ones are no use, get too manky easily, big THINSULATE! ones are just daft unless I'm hiking, ones with gay stripes and bobbles are just, well gay... then there's the "in" ones which everyone else is wearing, like stupid fucking russian style jobbies and all sorts, massive wannabe wigga baseball caps and shit. And don't get me started on the decent but expensive label ones, I can't justify that expense and I'm still wondering where the fuck my G-star and Diesel ones went to... because that fucking bugs me to think someone has hidden them from me, naming no names here but I want them back. But whilst I wait. And wait for their safe return or to be reunited with my crappy threadbare and stretched one... I need to find a suitable replacement for it.

But fuck me, could I find anything remotely worthy of adorning my crown? Nyut.

So now I've resorted to getting my haircut ASAP, but I just don't think I'll last until saturday and I may well see a return to a skinhead... Nah, I won't actually because its too fucking cold but still, something needs to be done. I need to find a hat. A good hat.

I heart Peppers.

2007-12-04T23:24:00.001Z

Now peppers feature in at least 90% of my cooking, salads, stir fries and fajitas mostly, but even in my creamy pasta dishes and just to slice and munch on if I'm that way inclined. Basically, I'm a champion of the fruit that are peppers, or sweet peppers/bell peppers, whatever...

But, and this is a big but, what really gripes me about peppers are the fucking price of them! It's a fucking joke having to pay almost 80p for one fucking decent juicy and reasonably sized red one, and the ones you get in packs of three for £1.59 are just never good enough - either too small, still have green on them and ain't fully ripe (do peppers ripen?) or are just the wrong mix of colours, either two yellow and one green one, or one orange, one yellow and one green? Why can I never find my ideal combo of a decent red, yellow and orange? Or why can't they come in packs of four so that I can get all of the good colours... that would be fucking useful too because then I'd only have to use two at a time and not three, as one on its own in the student fridge is going to waste or getting nicked for someone elses fucking tea!

Is there a need for the silly wee price? Because I'll be fucked if I buy the shitey ones that are all tiny and green with wee flashes of orange or yellow that Tesco can't even be bothered to bag properly. I mean, peppers are everywhere, on pizzas, in your subway sandwiches, fucking everywhere... you'd think such mass production would drive down the prices, surely?

I don't think the managers in Edinburgh's supermarkets will give a fuck about my issue... I'll need to take it further, probably to the local MP? How do I find out who that cunt is?

Anyways... you're probably wondering, "Bell peppers? What the fuck..." or you probably don't really give a toss either like the Bossman at Tesco's and are likely going "Is this cunt honestly ranting about the price of peppers? This blog is SHITE!" If so, then please, bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

Precisely, I'm going to Erinsborough, a wee fictional place in Australia and home of the much declined in quality tv show, Neighbours! Now I'm not kidding as I report its decline, if it ever was that good in the first place, but tehse days, there is only a few reasons worth watching it for, and thats the totty. Rachel is a bit young, but she'd get it! And what about Steph?! Oh... and don't forget the likes of Carmella and co. either but none, none of them bitches even come close to the one truly good reason for catching this show at half five on a weekday.

Pepper. That blonde cat is one fiiiiine tasty looking filly, and there is no denying it. I can remember sitting up the minute she first came onscreen and I'm pretty sure my brother Barrie did so too... and so, as I finally arrive at the real, albeit drawn out reason for this pepperness, I dedicate this post to my brother Barrie - ENJOY MIN!

Her real name is Nicky Whelan, but in keeping with this post I shall continue to refer to her as Pepper Stieger, her character name... and because she is just HOT, HOT HOT! I'm no kidding when I say I'd do despicable things to it. And I don't think I'm alone in these thoughts either, fuck it, I'd happily sign my name to thee register for it, proudly. Do a week google of her real name and plenty more sauciness comes up, youse are no getting them mailed out, seek them out yourselves!

So there we have it, I fucking heart peppers, one is so hot, spicy and to die for, the other's an actress. Either way, I love them.

It's that time o' term again...

2007-12-04T17:01:00.000Z

I don't live in the flat with cool shower anymore but the image shall suffice - it's exam time again, one down with two to go, tomorrow's one will be a fucker but I reckon fridays should be an easy pass, a possible B. Yesterday's, hmm... well I set myself up nicely with a 71% for the coursework and I answered all questions in the exams so here's hoping I might have secured myself my first A in a long time... probably a B though but hey, at least I'm more optimistic than simply writing "Wish I had the discipline to study..." as I usually do!

Now, do I watch neighbours and then knuckle down to some proper study of ageing and adolescence or do I study a bit, cook my tea and then study for the rest of the night?

Hmm... it is custard and apple pie tonight mind.

WTF?

2007-11-25T14:51:00.000Z

Why is it when I had a shite sleeping regime, I could stay up for as long as I wanted, not really feeling tired but could kip a full 12 hours and feel... energised to fuck? But now that I'm getting into a better pattern of early nights and rising early, I find myself struggling to keep my eyes from blinking and just feel shattered?

Go figure.

Also, why the fuck can't I deal with fruit properly? Pomelo, which is a fucking shite fruit by the way, don't bother trying it, Pomegranates and bloody oranges, all awkward to peel and get a decent reward from? Why am I so crap at peeling fruit?

Just a couple of things bugging me at the moment, I should be feeling wide awake and raring to go! Instead, I've thrown the orange I had in the bin and am now wondering if I should snatch a nap...

Sunday rant over. (But there's plenty other things bugging me too.)

Scotland V Italy :: The aftermath.

2007-11-19T06:09:00.001Z

Okay, we all know the score, 2-1 Italy and we don't get to qualify, do not pass go, do not collect £200... the usual.

After lining up outside the Three Sisters for almost an hour, we made it in just for the start of the game and in enough time to sing Flower of Scotland, it kind of went downhill from there, that dickhead poked a goal in within two minutes... Still, we sang, we roared, we told them to go makes pizza's or whatever, claimed our mothers took a harder knock from our dad's everytime they dived, then I lost my voice roaring for what I thought was a goal. Genuine shock etched on my face when I seen the replay, no make up!

Finding my voice again on the way back from pissing in a bucket because the toilet facilities were inadequate, I took a chance to talk some more with the randoms I'd met up with, they were naturally, in awe of my presence. One or two I'd never met before but got on with really well, so well in fact that they fucking phoned me this morning and kidnapped me for a random road trip to Liverpool. Thankfully we could only be arsed heading to Gretna to buy a screwdriver instead, fix Nessy's DVD player and watch Bad Boys II on the way back to Edinburgh, outstanding. Oh, it was also this mug's birthday, Erik, now 26... fuck being that old just yet!

The second half underway, and fuck me, belief actually crept back in when we drew level with Barry Ferguson's goal, to be honest we weren't playing that bad but it all became too good to be true, they eyetie bastards stole the VVinner in the dying minutes of the game. It was over. Fuck.

The only way to numb the pain was to carry on getting drunk I guess, so with my loyal fanbase, I headed to some pub in the Grassmarket and regretfully, Subway Westend, paid in, had a slash, left. It was that good. My pizza from Dario's near made me sick, something wasn't right there, I left over a quarter of it in the gutter, no like me! In bed by midnight. Weak.

Nevermind, a lot better than Scotland could have expected in recent years and its been a great laugh getting caught up in the hype except for John fucking Smeaton's "Come on boys, you and the auld cunts at Erskine are the real heroes!" patter which just doesn't wash with me.

But jesus, the road trip was the worst ever, let that never be forgotten, I knew I should have stayed in my bed with Hollyoaks on the telly the moment I climbed into the back of that pajero. SHITE.

Scotland > Italy

2007-11-17T14:03:00.000Z

Just getting myself ready to fire into town, grab myself a Burger King and join a few randoms and mates at the Three Sisters to watch Scotland hopefully gub the eyeties at Hampden!

Scotland top on, scarf, gloves at the ready, on we go!

I've a feeling we'll manage it, but regardless, I've fair enjoyed the hype and the fun coming back to the shite game that used to be supporting Scotland - call cunts glory hunters or whatever, but its been a good bloody laugh, especially beating France, twice! But aye, it's been fun... even if the media have gone a bit fucking overboard about it all with reports every ten minutes and shite.

What would really make my weekend is if we qualify and the English don't! How fucking awesome would that be!

Anyways... gotta get going, Andrew just called to say he's almost ready...

Oh! Flower of Scotland,
When will we see,
You're like again...

You should know the rest!

New look!

2007-11-17T08:27:00.001Z

Wahey! Finally got around to experimenting with a new look for this place, if anyone can figure out how I edit the script stuff to make "photoblog" become "beambeam" and the "myFLICKR" bit become a link to my actual flickr account, then that would be super.

Kind of miss my wee extra's at the side so I'll go about getting all them back, maybe. Hardly anyone ever used the subscription/mailing list thingy... but the flickr badge was cool, no?

Plus, I wouldn't mind my blog archive still being up there a wee bit, fuck forever clicking on "Older Posts".

I shall edit this post as and when I manage to restore some glory to the place.

EDIT: ^^^ Check. It. Out. ^^^ A random selection of photos from my flickr account - nicely placed, non?

Might leave it at that... BBFN.

Advanced Masturbation. O RLY?

2007-11-16T05:46:00.000Z

First of all, I'd like to state that I have no idea how and when I found this, I bookmarked it for a post like this one day, not to systematically go through the various techniques, I wouldn't need to, my sexual repetoire is quite healthy even if I do say so myself... so with that said, let me show you my latest source of amusement. (It's probably not safe for work...!)

A Guide to Advanced Masturbation!

Please, have a wee gander at that for me, click through some of the "techniques" displayed, maybe you might fancy a crack at some of them yourself, maybe you're a poof and it gets your balls all tight, whatever... but seriously, "Advanced"?

Fucking advanced?

I'm sorry, is there some science to this? Has some bukkake club met up and produced reports describing methodology, results and discussed their findings? Maybe swapped notes, even had workshops to make sure that everyone is managing #39 ok? "Alright Stevie! I hear you've been struggling a bit with #22? Drop your pants and I'll show you, it's nae bother once you get a grip of it!"

Is there a need for the wee clips demonstrating them? The descriptive text is pretty fucking detailed, I'm sure I get the idea... mind you, health and safety probably get strict about that, might want reduce the risk of some cunt literally ripping the head off. Here's an example of the detail you'll see, taken from #6, rather comically entitled Poking Out of the Pulpit!

"Masturbate in any way comfortable, but poke the penis through a pair of comfortable underwear and pull down
on the bottom of the fabric so that the top of opening causes pressure on the top and base of the penis. This
method will simulate some of that same effects of a penis-ring, except with more mobility."

I know! Poking out of the Pulpit! Class!

It's just not funny is it, but it sort of is at the same time, if not, its fucking hilarious - can you imagine? Some dude out there is sitting at his desk everyday wondering which way can he wank tonight... He must scan everything, wondering how he can incorporate a pound of cheese into his next bout of self play, or maybe he debates about silk or satin, which is nicer on the sac?

Is there anyone reading this, that puts as much effort into a tommy tank as this? Even a little bit? Or are all fellas the same, rub one out in the shower, stroke another few when you're a)bored b)horny c)alone d) bored, horny AND alone? Me personally, I can see myself thrashing like fuck underneath the covers if I'm wide awake and want to fall asleep... seems to tire me out a bit! (God, I'm so fucking unfit!) but aside from that, no.... no.... I really don't think I could ever be fucked to put that much effort into a rub-a-dub. In fact, it's probably a lot less effort to go out and pull some absolute slag than to get appropriately attired, lube arranged, tissues organised, viewing material sourced... see, I'm bored already and killed any desires for self love I might have had. Damn... I really fancied a slice of Palm, Belly and Penis Sandwich too! (#15!)

Why does one of the simplest, most inncocent pleasures have to become so technical? Grip, lick lips, stroke, croak - that's it, hell there's probably a simple fucking formula for it by some idiot scientist, that's how far they'll take this shit!

There's even a score of how difficult each technique is!? What the fuck! Why does it even have to be fucking difficult! I can understand it might be hard if you're impotent... hmm, it wouldn't be hard if you were impotent really, ok, it would be fucking awkward! But still!

What do you think? I'd appreciate your comments, haha, is someone gonna do a critique of some of the techniques on display? I'm curious if some of them are even worth the effort! #31 looks a pain in the arse, especially if you're aim is off and the water is hot! And would you ever have thought to use a glass the way #37 details? Yuck...

You'd have to be right tosser to be into that level of wanking, give me a woman anyday, real thing > poor imitation, no matter how far you take your thill seeking efforts.

Right, I'm done here, need to wipe this place down and get some soothing cream for my chafed willy! Just kidding, honest, I'm not a wanker.

Get away from me!

2007-11-15T06:38:00.000Z

Coughing shit up in the middle of classes, that distinct sound of phylegm fighting its way back up the throat. The bright red noses of folk who have been blowing their noses too much, their heavy eyelids a sign of sleepless nights... Seriously, get away from me, I don't want your disease.

No kidding, if someone so much as clears their throat, I recoil in horror and hold my breath! I had a summer of colds and general illness, and I'll be fucked if I'm heading towards one of my favourite times of the year suffering.

Discomfort, itchy eyes, sleepless nights, tissues everywhere, lethargy? Not for me!

Wrapped up with fashionable scarf on display, I'll embrace the crisp, clear, cold air, with a fresh set of lungs, a smooth, silky throat and I'll enjoy my christmas shopping, fighting from one end of Princess St to the other not worrying about looking a state with eyes streaming and runnynose whilst talent spotting amongst the german market.

I'm not fucking about here, I really don't want to have the typical sniffles and crap that floats around at this time of year. "Dear Santa, I have been a good boy this year and would like for my christmas..."

You illfolks, step away, get out my road.

That's me done with cars for a while.

2007-11-13T03:20:00.000Z

If you recall, I sold my blue BMW in the summer and bought another one, here. Well, thats gone as well now, bought, fixed and MOT'd for less than £300, sold for £1000 on Ebay!

Just before she left.

Shame really as it was actually a cracking car once I removed the hideous lexus lights that came with it, the engine was solid and it was a really sweet car to drive - but needs must and I needed the cash, shame I pretty much rinsed it having to hire kilts for last weeks wedding and then the copious amounts of alcohol that went along with it, as well as a few other things, but nevermind!

So aye, as per title, thats me done with cars for a good while I think, living with Andrew in halls means I can borrow his car as and when required and we manage that without fights, I mean, if we're going anywhere in Edinburgh its usually to go out drinking so the car gets left behind anyway.

Talking of dear Andrew...

And here lies his blog should you be so interested.

Another reason that I'm done with cars is because I'm fed up forking out money on pretenders, I'd rather just have a quick car, I've always wanted an M3... so unless I buy a snappy wee golf gti again like my old one, then I just don't see the point of spending money on a car until its a car I truly want.

Doesn't stop me scanning ebay for the odd bargain though...

Red Cups are back.

2007-11-13T02:28:00.000Z

Indeed, you know its that time of year again when I affectionately refer to my true sign that christmas is just around the corner, the Starbucks Red Cups* are back... no eggnog or other christmassy drinks for me just yet, just need a machiatto with extra espresso shot to pep me up today is all...

So aye, not long to go before I'm with family again. I'm looking forward to that bit, but not a lot else I don't think, mind's in other places, relationship trouble will do that to you! All I've asked for is an Ipod Classic like my brother recently got, cracking wee things...

Is it me or have the red cups come in late this year? Christmas doesnt seem to have been rammed down my throat as much as it has been at this point in recent years - I like it, lets me get on with other things like exams and shit, not forgetting Hallo'ween and Bonfire night.

Jesus, you can sense my lack of enthusiasm can't you? Hey, this blogs been running for just over 2 years now... think I might celebrate with a revamp, that flicker ---> seems obscenely large lately, the colour scheme and fonts seem a bit dry... aye, a revamp. Suggestions welcome.

Bye for now, one dull beambeam.

*See previous postings about the return of the red cups!

The Evolutions of I

2007-11-08T01:48:00.000Z

Thought I'd fire these up to make you avid fans smile, was at a wedding at the weekend so got kilted up, naturally, and wearing a jacobite shirt for the first time too! (Still unsure if I like it or the jacket more though...) and whilst getting the photos passed from the cameras to computer I laughed as I also found old photos of me, at various stages of my life - Enjoy. Smile. And swoon.

Can't remember how old I was here, primary school obviously as I'm only wee! But that, to my memory is the first time I ever wore a kilt! A wee stunner eh! Poor pic quality as its early 90s and a scanned in photo...

Me again! Aged about 16/17 here, can't remember if this was for an ex-girlfriends school prom or the first wedding I ever went to, probably the wedding, which was actually the ex's big brothers anyway, but don't I look a wee charmer eh, and check the add-on westie accessory! Had to pay extra to hire that wee fella out! Just kidding, that's our old westie Hamish, bless the fallen wee soul, miss him to bits even now... I'm about 14.5 stone here and in my prime.

And now, aged 23, and 19st give or take... and that kilt is far too fucking long! But still, that's me 6/7 years on and still whipping a kilt out at any excuse! Funny how things change eh? No longer in my prime like I was at sweet sixteen, but hey, I'm only 23! The trouble is, in the first one, I'd probably never tasted alcohol, the second one, I'd only had some taste of it, I was an athlete remember! And now, full blown drinking professional... That's the difference, beer and takeaway food!

And yes, every single time, I was a true scotsman... *cliche*

Book stuff - all about Clapton!

2007-11-07T02:41:00.000Z

I bought an autobiography the other day. I don't think I've read one before, I've read articles about someone's life story in magazines such as Johny Tapia's (amazing character) but I've never really had much time for they books you see all over the likes of WH Smith, "...read all about sic 'n' sics incredible life story...!

Until the other day, when I bought Eric Claptons.

Now until tonight, I couldn't really have pretended I knew much about the man that is Clapton, except that he's the dude that sings that "Wonderful Tonight" and some other songs, is famous all over the world and that his kid died years ago in a horrible way... But that's not why I wanted to read it, because he's a "legend" of some sort. It's because that's all I knew about him, and not because he first became famous back in the day when I was but a twinkle in my pappy's eye, but because I know he is rightfully famous, is respected - and by my reckoning, he's lived a fucking hell of an interesting life.

And that's the difference between this and everyother autobiography I've seen out there, seldom do you seem to get a real hero's lifestory. I'm sorry, but John Fucking Smeaton is still not a hero. Not in a million years.

See the distinction?

If you have any sense you'll know one of them is meant to be a rock legend ten times over, formed the worlds first superband and lived the rock and roll life probably before some twat realised glass could smash and tellies could fly... the other is some ginger fud from glesgay that stuck the boot into a man, screaming, on fire.

One of them will be switching on the Cambuslang Christmas lights this year, he's THAT famous, and the other one will be bringing the bells or some shite at Madison Sq. Gardens.

Mind you, I guarantee some cunt out there reckons one can play a good tune or two and that the other dude once saved the world from the apocalypse, judgement day style. More fool them.

What I'm getting at is the difference between celebrities, and stars. Clapton is a star, Katie Price aka Jordan for example, is a celebrity, famous for fuck all but tits and a black, blind bairn. Clapton aged what, 50, 60? writes his book... whereas Jordan here, has already written two before the age of 30?! What the fuck?! What has happened besides her kid almost dying, finding a husband who uses even more faketan than she does, and a porno she made with Dane Bowers leaking, that we could possibly care less about? What justifies TWO shite shelf fillers, cos that is all they do, they take up valuable console game browsing space in Tesco.

Some other recent examples of celeb text tripe:

Kerry Katona - My Kokane hell, how Iceland adverts and their fish fingers funded my drug habit and fed my kids, is not a fucking life story that I'm remotely interested in.
Gareth Gates - I w-w-white as sh-sh-shite as I t-t-talk and more comebacks than jesus has wasted several trees.

But when do you ever really see a star writing a book, not that often. People in my opinion seem to be releasing them way too soon, its beyond a joke. But the reason that swung me into buying Clapton's one here, is that I figured, this guy has been going since the 1960s, he'll have made his fortune ten times over and doesn't really need the money from a book deal does he, or the fame? Everyone knows who he is, he doesn't need the attention like Paris Hilton does.

Anyways, I've not read it yet but it had better be decent.

Bring! Bring! It's that time again...

2007-10-24T04:11:00.000+01:00

Farewell faithful.

New phone coming my way, as I always do when it is time for a new phone, I make a dull post about it just to kind of fill in the gap between posts if nothing else, and usually I debate like fuck between several phones until I pick the one I liked in the first place anyway - not this time.

I have for a long time, wanted the Sony Ericsson W960i as my next upgrade, basically an updated version of the W950i that I have the now, except it has double the memory at ATEJIGABITE! and has the 3.2mp that they've been equiping most of their K800i range with for over a year now, good camera, my brother has it... serving my needs as a shithot walkman I stuck two fingers to Apple and stayed loyal to it even if I did miss my phone/camera/silly picture sending - but I digress, it turns out that even a month after I'm due my upgrade, that the W960i just won't be out for 2007, and that fucking sucks as I really wanted it too.

C'mon, how bloody swish does that look?

Anyways, after I'd bitched about it in the 02 store and on the phone to the idiot call centre worker "Gary" (who's really called Sinbad of Osama!), I had a google at what would be a suitable successor to my old phone...

Yes, that's right.... the Iphone.

Don't be so fucking stupid, a phone that can't send or recieve picture messages, a camera that is only 2mp? What is this? 2005? Oh, and some hefty contract conditions to adhere to and gay RRP to boot too! I'm sorry, but you honestly believe that this is Apple's best effort when it comes to making a phone? Have you seen how good the Ipod "Classic" is? I have, my brother Barrie just treated himself to one and I WANT. I fully expect in a year or so that Apple will release the real Iphone, one that can do all the things I want and with heaps more memory and no pathetic terms and conditions... if you want to throw your cash away at a remembrance to early camera phones but with a shinier surface, go ahead, I chose to go for the Sony Ericsson K850i...

The Sony Ericsson K850i - you've probably seen it sitting on your fat arse on a saturday night and the adverts for X-factor comes on, its the phone that is currently being promoted the now, but it's also the advert where the pappy takes cutes photos of his kidda's wee toy and shows him back at the house. I have to say, that's a great advert in my eyes "Look at this son, while I left you in the house with a fucking ARSEHOLE of a babysitter, I went out, got pissed and had a great laugh taking photos on my new phone, look! NEE-NAW! NEE-NAW! Your toy is on a fire engine..."

But just in case you ain't seen either adverts - here it is.

5mp camera, you can get 8GB memory cards for them, not cheap mind but still, and I know it's reliable because it's Sony Ericsson. Plus, I won't have to worry about losing anymore stylus pen's hahaha!

But 5mp, wow, N95 has that I hear you say? Aye, but Nokia can't do shit with advanced phones, but it's not the 5mp I was after really, 3.2mp would have done me for a camera, I mean, when the girl's start sending high-res pictures of their fannies to the fellas how fucking scary is that going to be? The kebab is a pretty gruesome sight if not well kept but a supersize, superdetailed version, christ! Talk about axewound.

Still retained the normal contract terms too, 12 months at £45 for 2000 texts and 800 free minutes, anytime, anywhere... result. I know you ignored that last sentence and were too busy laughing at "axewound" so here, the best song on the planet....Click and giggle!

"...Woah baby I'm thinking about your axewound... woah baby I'm thinking about your gash..."

Let's hope my phone arrives tomorrow now, eh?

Mmm!

2007-10-09T01:02:00.001+01:00

Mmm! Gouda cheese and smoked bacon bagel, originally uploaded by big_bear.

How fucking tasty does that look?

Very, if you're living in halls with me at the moment, no joke. Everyone else stands in wonder and amazement as I dance about the kitchen getting the grill going and toasting the bagels, before scowling into their cupboard and knowing that their next meal is either cheesy pasta or beans on toast... classy.

Seriously though, there seems to be a distinct lack of talent in the kitchen amongst the young folks these days - didn't anyone else do Home Economics? Am I the only one that did?

Am I.... am I gay?!

Gay or not, my belly doesn't rumble like yours, haha. *points*

Just about caught up...

2007-10-01T02:12:00.000+01:00

Well, well, well... where do I start!?

That's me moved back down to Edinburgh almost a fortnight now and thank fuck for it too, Lossie just doesn't have that jinessykwoi if you ask me!

Despite major apprehensions about moving into halls for the third time in my student life, its been pretty sweet, I actually like everyone I share my hall corridor with, nice wee gang and everyone gets on pretty well even in the battlefield otherwise known as the kitchen, not exactly meticulous but everyone is pretty clean and "love is for sharing" kind of laid back about it... I admire that, but I wonder how long it lasts before someone runs out of money and gets possessive about their last few bits of bread? We shall see.

Other than that, I've managed to refrain from becoming that condescending cunt that knows everything, the one that's been there and done that and wonders why the fuck he's still here, doing that... I'm not exactly a fully fledged Van Wilder either but I'm working on it, I feel its important to get the right mix of qualities and special consideration must be given to the fact that Van Wilder actually fucking graduates at the end of the film!

Academically, yes, I've not completely forgotten about that yet, things are pretty swell too - some lecturer's have actually commented on their surprise/shock/horror/happiness that I actually progressed through the resits... In yo' face! But I could also say that for the first time in my student life, I'm properly geared for the course and this is mainly down to finally getting to do a Sports Psychology related module which I must say, I definitely see becoming the route for me, even if it does mean a masters and more...

Nothing else to report on Uni life apart from the fact I'm trying to get a judo club going at Heriot Watt again in order to secure use of the judo mats because for some stupid fucking reason they are not available for personal use? That's my first steps to getting properly fit again as well as squash because Barrie is practically begging to play someone he can beat - and there's also other steps being taken to drastically reduce fat/increase fitness... as I always say, watch this space, it might start shrinking soon.

Hmmmmm....

What else has been happening recently?

Oh aye, I went to see Limmy @ The Stand comedy club in Edinburgh last week and by fuck I'm glad I did, especially as it was meant to be his last ever show. The support act before Limmy himself was bloody good and I wish I could recall their names in order to look out for more of their stuff but Limmy was just decent, even more so when you consider that I've followed his writings and the playthings on his site for a good few years now ever since I first found the link to the swearing Xylophone (Google it - its the first entry for Xylophone!) I think I enjoyed it mostly because it is my style of humour, almost no holds barred but at the same time, he delivers a lot of fresh ideas and material by using media, most stand ups will just get up there and crack one liners whereas this is different, this is like the funniest cunt you've ever met down the pub and told, "You should be in stand-up mate, you're dead funny..." And it seemed the rest of the crowd really enjoyed it too, I know my brother Andrew fucking loved it anyway!

My ebay mania has simmered down somewhat but I'm at 20 now in the feedback stuff, 100% yeah baby! Though I'm finding it next to impossible selling my other car for a good price - Wanna buy a car? Terry Tibbs! Talk to me! - but I'm pretty good at buying things, haha!

Can't really think of muckle else important, so much has happened recently and I'm just adjusting to life in halls and catching up with everyone I've not seen over the summer and/or since quitting the doors... Oh, yeah, thats another one, gonna have to start job hunting soon before the finances get pretty tight and on that front, the financial stuff was going well until I was stung by SAAS for last year's academic fees. Ouch, but I guess its my own fault for fucking about so much in the past, live and learn and all that jazz.

Bedtime now, I'm up late enough as it is and I must save some energy for the massive pro evo session followed by boozing with Myk tomorrow night... Expect pics to follow.

Whodunnit?

2007-09-18T03:52:00.000+01:00

Really pissed me off when shit like this happens, however trivial it may be... but someone, without telling anyone, has fucked about with the timer on the toaster.

Why? Why would you do that? It's been untouched for god knows how long, and always jumped back up with two decent slices of toast whenever used but now its like someone is trying to send smoke signals to the neighbours instead. You may think this is nothing to get worked up about but I want to know who's been fucking about with my toast and tea.

Why does it upset me? Because it upsets my routine, my harmony, my balance... sometimes, I'll stroll in, flick the kettle on, open the breadbin and root around for the big bit plus one, I mount them with casual disinterest and move swiftly to the table and mount the wobbly stools about as gracefully as a rhinocerous (without even checking I think I've spelt that right!) and start rereading the paper from that day... usually its a close race between what goes first, the kettle or toaster but its usually the toaster and by the time the teabag gets moist, I've got the butter waiting to be spread... I never get much time to read the paper though. I then move back through the house and do what I was doing, usually fuck all, I only really have toast and tea through sheer boredom.

But no, now I've actually been reading the sports section in depth and sympathised with the letter of the day from Dear Deirdre before my nostrils are offended by the charcoal that was my bread, it never even got a chance to be toasted, brutal. That and the fact my whole tea making gets thrown out of sync becomes one big bastard of an inconvenience to me and I really am a bit upset by it.

Thank fuck I'm moving back to Edinburgh next week, thats all I can say.

Hmmm... its just struck me that my Dad did a full shift in the kitchen two days ago and cleaned all surfaces and appliances, I wonder if it was him? Oh, and a random fact that I seem to remember from Home Economics standard grade, you get some obscure and hard to source amino acids from the carbon coating that we know as the black shit on burnt toast... but I may have made that up, mind you I sure as fuck make it believable with the use of "amino acids" there don't I?

The claw!

2007-09-14T21:11:00.000+01:00

See the thing thats sticking to camera and keeping it gripped to the wall there? I've got one of them now, pretty cool wee thing called the "gorillapod" and its a pretty nifty wee photography tool, bit gimmicky but very useful so expect my photos to have a different twist on them from now on... no more straight as possible arm and hoping I've caught my face properly shots, nope, the vicey-clawlike ability of this thing means I can position my camera almost anywhere and set it to timer instead of alternatively setting it on a table and stooping low enough to get the top of my head in reasonably.

Other possible uses is hiding it up near your curtain rails and getting all voyeur on my arse as it bobs during a frenzied three minutes of fun - all captured on film, yes, its THAT cool.

"Yeah, SEE ya!"

2007-09-14T02:17:00.001+01:00

Hahaha, how brilliant is this fight scene? Don't ask what I was looking for when I found this but I felt it worth posting here, that and the fact that I have sync'd my blog with my youtube account in order to be able to embed videos in it - DECENT!

Love the cheesy quotes, the overacting is superb, and those dunts cracking on the boys jaw near the beginning are nothing short of awesome!

Enjoy.

Got in... Get in!

2007-09-14T02:13:00.000+01:00

Whoo, yay me, yaddayadda, got my letter in the post the day from Heriot Watt saying that I'd passed enough of my resits in order to go through to third year... I failed the psychobiology exam which I guessed beforehand would be the one I'd genuinely struggle with seeing as I never attended any classes for it, but it says I also failed the essay which I don't understand all that well, hopefully I'll get it returned to me and will have an evaluation on what was wrong with it but still, two modules to resit is a lot better than repeating another year (which was just not happening) and/or hitting working life, unqualified and 5 years behind everyone elses pay scale... NOT a great thing and I pretty much considered that going offshore was the only thing remotely suitable for me but then, how would I train? How would I do judo? Admitting the truth here I don't do any of these things - but now as well as breaking down my debt a bit, I've gotten through my resits successfully and this summer hasn't been an entire waste of time as I set about organising and getting ready to pack for my return to Edinburgh - 2 out of 3 aims isn't that bad, true, I could have done better on all fronts but hey, I got into third year, I have made a big hit on my debts and ain't getting harassed with phonecalls anymore, and at least I haven't got any fucking bigger around the gut.

It does depress slightly that I'm entering third year for a third time however, nonetheless, onwards and upwards.

"...signs of improvement but could do better..."

Battling bags are a gogo!

2007-09-12T15:43:00.000+01:00

Remember this?

Well I forgot to add after that that I ended up getting charged with assault over the heights of it a month after it happened, what a joke I know, and it just sprung to my mind there the now that I've still heard FUCK ALL about it. I could always enquire as to whats happening but I'd rather not rock the PF's boat and bring it back to his attention, I'm just hoping the paperwork slips to the bottom of a drawer or down the back of a filing cabinet if I'm honest - it happened ages ago, I've left the doors since then, I've never seen the inbred-spitting fuck since either, done and dusted as far as I'm concerned.

Anyways, apart from a few other skirmishes before I jacked in the doors, namely a very brave rugby team taking me on by myself, and some idiot smashing my hearing aids and getting gassed for it, things on the violent front had been as calm as a sedated psycho. Until...

Now that really really fucking annoyed me. I work as a doorman for two years solid, I did judo for years, and it takes some filthy slut coming from behind and clawing my eyes out to ruin my beautiful face?

Basically, I was having an awesome night out with Adm and Mckay, and waiting in the taxi rank afterwards some moron starts biting off more than he could chew, and so did his brother who jumped in too - thankfully Adm was on hand to yell "Help!" whilst I got stuck in but it was only whilst police tried to restrain me that I ended up cat-attacked all over the mush by some random cow... It's healed ok now apart from two deep scratches on my cheek that look permanent and my eyeballs have suffered a bit too as it was the first thing that Specsavers noticed this week, but rest assured they shall heal.

There, improving already by the next day!

But hey, you should have seen t'other guy... LOL but one good thing has come out of this I guess, and thats the faint wee scars I'm left with now, because it makes me look like a bad boy, and for sure, the ladies they all love bad boys! Hahaha...

Fighting is bad - in fact, I'd advise you youtube that comment and see what I mean.

Weddings!

2007-09-10T00:18:00.000+01:00

Aw fit! I can't believe I ain't written about this yet, and only spurred now by mention of another wedding invite that I recieved last night!

Now, your beam here has only attended one or two weddings in the past and the last was about five years ago, so you can imagine that the fact that I've been pretty dry this summer with regards to alcohol, and having not caught up with a few folk for ages, I was well up for the wedding dance I was at last week, to celebrate the union of my dear friend Kan and his beloved Pikey!

And I have to say, what a bloody night it was too! Drink flowed and the music, excellently provided by these cool dudes: Spirit in the sky by Doctor & the Medics!

You have to love it!

I only managed to get a few photos of the night in question and will fire them up on flickr later on, but I did get a cracking shot of the groom below and besids, I was too busy having fun to piss about with a camera!

And so lastnight, whilst out with the boys tearing up the dancefloor of Joanna's in Elgin with imaginary glowsticks, imaginary shapes and alleged but unproven dancing ability, I bump into an old chum Trish who announces she's getting hitched to her loon in November and I'm to get kilted and look my best for it 'cause I'm invited! Awesome! I'll just need to work my magic and convince a certain someone to be my "plus one" now... *HINT*

As much as I appreciate the invites lately, its a scary thought that everyone around me is growing up as I may have to join them soon... Danger!

Surely... REVISITED.

2007-09-08T04:03:00.000+01:00

I tried to avoid it but the curiosity was too strong even though I knew I would be let down, and I wasn't wrong - tales of a wee fish he caught fishing and how he is happy with the group that Rangers have pulled for the champions league... oh and a couple of non-humourous "I'll banjo this..." and "I'll banjo that..." comments.
Aye, tales of a fish I caught. That was the highlight, "I caught a fish in some water and I laid it down then ate it later." just about sums up the remarkable tale... what, no insert of how you "banjo'd" that fish to death while it bubbled its last "allah...allah", John? It wasn't even an anecdotal story, it wasn't fuck all... it was like a primary school kid going "My name is John, I am 5."

Absolutely fucking useless John, why doesn't someone like Limmy not get a look in for the job? Now THAT is one funny bastard, and he's from Glasgow too, he fits the bill! But please, anything other than the tripe that spills from the inner pages of the Sun... please. Talking of which, that pisspoor excuse for a red bar tabloid is getting worse these days, I'll be honest now, I only read it to check the hot models in the problem pages story book and to keep up to date with "Striker!".

Piss off, John! I mean it - and thats goes out to all your other poor excuses for celebrities these days too.

Fuck sake, I should have made this an i8...

Surely by noo?

2007-09-06T03:59:00.000+01:00

Come in Ego #1, you're time is up, come in please.

Aye, it was ace how you tackled the terrorists dude, even if many are sceptical about vague reports from others that mention nothing of a ginger schemey laying the law down die-hard style, and yes, even yer wee fansite was funny too, how it bigged you up beyond belief though I did feel that "give him a gong" campaigns and various telly appearances were ambitious and if I'm bluntly honest, starting to nip my tit a bit... But now I'm reading in the papers that you've been giving your own weekly page in a redtop to spout whatever schemey pish you get in a humph about? No... too far son.

Give it a fucking rest, you've had your 15 minutes of fame and in any case, we're surely due another "attack" soon so shift over on your beer crate-cum-stool you jakey tool and let somebody else hog the limelight.

Efforts were admirable, maintaining your bullshit under close and intense scrutiny for so long, work of a pro, but please, please, just disappear.

Magic.

Stoking the fire...

2007-09-06T03:39:00.000+01:00

Right, plate is near enough cleared so can safely say normal blogging will resume now - expect a couple of random blog entries to get fired up in order that people that don't get to see me often can catch up on recent exploits, I'll be throwing them in with some more wonderful musings of mine.

Resits - can hand on heart say that I gave it a bloody good shot this time, not gonna pretend I studied hardcore but I did study and I was genuinely beaten by the questions that were asked as opposed to turning up with barely any revision and attempting to wing it. Wish me luck, I've no idea when I'll hear results.

Uni - well me and my dearet "An'roo" have been assigned rooms in halls only rooms apart, good or bad thing? I'm sure I'll find out! I'm also waiting on news from SAAS about my appeal for funding, otherwise I'm looking at financing last year AND this years fees myself. Noice, I think not. One good reason not to fuck around in university kids... God, thats a thought, imagine me being the condescending, "been there..." mature student in halls? *shudders* No, I'm years from that sort of sad, pathetic mid-life (whole life!) crisis yet!

Oh. I sold the BMW. Double-Oh. I'm selling the other one I bought last month too... money raising and costcutting is the name of the game - plus I also want to learn to ride a motorbike! You know it makes sense... I've cleared near enough all outstanding bills I had to people, companies and friends, and I'm now back playing the monthly payments game while I attempt to force banks to give me my money back... selling the car helped shave down the the debt a bit, nice one.

What else, oh aye, Amy Macdonald - "this is the life" ... its been a long, LONG time since I bought or illegally obtained an album and rinsed it out like this, but this wee lassie has managed it. In fact, not since the Manic Street Preachers released "this is my truth now tell me yours" have I listened to an bunch of tracks as often as this... Itunes tells me I've listened to the album 26 times in 3 weeks and thats not counting my phone and the cd I russled up for the car. I don't need to say anymore, check her out for yourself, she's awesome, and cute to boot.

Nothing else to really report - well I have, but they deserve to be recorded individually. They're THAT good.

And aye, still loving Ebay baby.

Resits thus far...

2007-08-30T01:46:00.000+01:00

*yawn*

Honestly fucking shattered here, struggling to stay awake but I must, still three more exams and an essay to go, and little more than 36 hours to get it all done by... I've gotten the hard ones, Human Intelligence and Psychobiology out the road, both are hit and miss but I may have just done enough for one of them.

Now the real problem is time management, correct revision and not passing out and sleeping in for essays!

I swear if I get through this, I'm studying properly from now, screw this late night last minute shite!

I is wannabeing Ebay Powah Sella with backfeed of fore!

2007-08-25T00:52:00.000+01:00

If you were able to read the title quite easily, then you've probably had to deal with ebay and its ill-educated and/or foreign sellers too... Yes, you're already nodding your head and smiling at that experience we share in common.

That's me just about to post the first item I ever sold on Ebay - quite fitting as I finally get with the times and sell online, that the item in question is a significant symbol of something that is so far behind the times, that it is now considered obselete and surplus to requirements... Who would honestly have thought I'd make a tenner selling a USB floppy disc drive? Shocking I know, a tenner! Still, someone wanted it, someone won it and my first ever seller's feedback was glorious:

"excellent service, quality goods, as described.-thank you"

Now if that dinnae scream the greatest ebayer of all time to you I don't know what will... and yet more plaudits were to follow as I became quickly addicted to the wonder that is t'bay.

"Jamie was wonderful to deal with, a real treat!"
"Package lovingly wrapped in rose petals and scented with lavender, great ebayer!"
"If only all people on Ebay were as fantastic as beambeam1"

Ok, not really true apart from the addicted statement... No joke,even my Dad was gripped! Constantly bring me cups of sweet tea as an excuse to enquire further with "Any bids? Any watchers!? Let's see! Let's see!" Bless...

My page refreshing skills certainly sharpened up with frequent visits to my ebay listings, in fact, so keen was I that as soon as payment was recieved for items I literally vaulted the front garden wall, item already packaged and made a beeline for the post office... It was brilliant! A real adrenaline rush! Start to finish - making sure you've worded it right, confirmation of payment recieved via PayPal! Watching the auction approach its dying minutes as you sit hunched over the computer with a dry mouth and unflickering eyes! I honestly believe that to get as close an experience you'd have to pay serious money.

Hahaha, not at all exaggerated there either, as my mate Adm "21 answers" would testify, I got mega-excited.

But it's not just selling that was going on, no... I was buying heaps of shit too. Namely timing belt tools for the car and of course, my punch bag. An experience that near enough put me off Ebay for a week!

Having made various enquiries about getting one for some time now, as well as some hints from my brother Barrie, I started checking for cheap all in one deals on punch bags and various neccessary equipment. My mate Icy reccomended one bunch on Ebay that he had used previously, successfully, B2FITNESS (Avoid like an eggy pint!) and so spotting a deal for a leather bag, gloves, hanging brackets, that I thought was pretty attractive, I click "Buy it Noo!" and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Then it finally.... No, that was a package for someone else, still waiting...

And THEN it came, near enough two weeks and several infrequent emails later, unnacceptable!

What really wound me up during the the whole episode wasn't the minor mishaps like delayed payment and missed emails telling them to dispatch it unfilled to avoid extra deliver costs, as I'm laid back and can appreciate mistakes do happens... instead it was this:

"hi,
thanks for writing us Our apologies for punch bag given delivery address is under high delivery charges area, on this address we send unfilled punch bag, and u can fill it yourself its very easy u can fill it with sand or small pieces of cotton or with hosiery wastage,and if u want filled punch bag then u have to pay 6. gbp more and if you don't want item please let us know we will refund ur money.
look forward for rapid reply.
thanks"

What the hell? Are you foreign? Are you stupid? Thanks for writi... who the fuck writes like that, and this is a good one, most of the correspondence was far, far worse than this - not even poor spelling but just chopping sentences in half and forgetting all about punctuation! Now sitting waiting for this thing to arrive was tedious enough as it is, but to have every email met with "Me no unastan engrish grate, but assurested that item in poost!" just fucking annoys me.

In the end, it arrived - "vague" feedback was left for them and that was that - haha what a nightmare it was filling the bugger up though, tip: five bags of builders sand does not do the trick, you may as well pummel a brick wall and head to A&E - save you buying the bag in the first place! All good now though... and at least I have something to take the frustration out on instead of booting the poor dogs up the arse for so much as changing ends in the bed during the night.

With that behind me, ebaying resumes: MY EBAY LISTINGS - BID, BITCHES!

Lookee, lookee! Sucky five-dollah!

Missing In Action... Nyut!

2007-08-25T00:48:00.000+01:00

So it seems, but don't worry, I'm still knocking about, just have a lot going lately with failing relationships, studying for resits next week and general pissing about and procrastination as per! I do have a couple of blog entries coming up and may fire them up in a minute or not... But rest assured, I am still here, as ever, armed with plenty to talk about.

Things to talk about like saturday nights alright for fighting, ebay mania, and various other random and obscure but cleverly worded posts for you.

Have you missed me? Probably not, arseholes!

Who cares?

2007-08-11T12:19:00.001+01:00

Not me.

So, "The Licensee" Tam McGraw is brown bread, the papers are tripping over themselves to emphasise just how crazy this badass was, Paul Ferris as usual is throwing his 2p in and interview after interview of close but vaguely know "associates" are conducted and detailed amongst the red top tabloids... is there a fucking need? When was the last time he killed someone, or allegedly killed someone?

This isn't just a recent stirring of feelings for me, this has been going as long as Paul Ferris's supposed reign of Glasgow... the books, the secrecy, what the fuck? Every cunt is a celebrity these days, would I become famous if I pulled a knife on someone? Probably.

It's time to put this whole "gangster" thing to rest, crime is crime, end of.

Wee rant there that just had to be spilled.

Bigger IS better.

2007-08-01T05:47:00.000+01:00

As I returned from the kitchen just now with my stolen starbucks mug (honestly, I thought it was included in the price) full of sweet tea and my toast, childhood memories came back to me whilst passing the photos of us as bairns in the hall...

Memories like going mental between the four of us when we thought someone got more juice than the rest, and I'm not talking about that extra can of ginger beer from the galley, no, I'm talking about what seems very trivial now with hindsight but at the time was critical and led to the bloodiest of battles, so vicious were they that I reckon Andrew lost a teeth over it once though I'm not sure. (It could have been twice!), yes... you know the scam folks, making sure you grab the glass that has a higher level, god knows why but it meant the world to get MORE.

I can't think why it was a matter of life or death but it was, I don't remember being significantly thirstier than anyone else, certainly I never deserved it despite the old "oldest gets biggest" ruse that worked once or twice... All I did know was "if yer first, ye dinnae thirst!".

Sitting my arse down and switching the Xbox off, delighted that I finally had my "Veteran Hunter" achievement, I sip and begin to question the logistics of children, or rather, the illogistics. I guess studying psychology I could go on about natural selection and caveman instincts, evolutionaru theory but I really can't be fucked because this is just me minding how funny it was growing up in this house. The fights especially... looking back it probably wasn't a good idea taking up judo as a family!

As I chomp through my second slice of toast and realise it's the "big bit" I smile a little. That was another important thing in the sibling wars, whoever got the heel of the loaf for their toast. Again, its usually the thickest, biggest bit, and so obviously it is pivotal in securing your sibling ranking if you get it. And the biggest battle was getting to it before Dad, a fearsome task in itself when he was still at sea, hunger fucking struck like! I also remember desperation wildly taking over senses and reaching right through a loaf to get the big bit at the back. ("Big bit" - we have NEVER called it the heel in this house, the very notion sounds absurd, no one wants to sook a foot!).

Ah... its crazy how crazy we were about getting the most. And if you're reading this and have a brother or sister, you probably remember the same, or if you have kids you'll be witnessing similar battles in the kitchen yourself! But if you're really thinking back to the top of the last paragraph and saying you yourself "Surely its piece of toast, not slice? Because you slice a loaf but you can't slice toast, can you?" then get a grip you pedantic bastard.

Slice or no slice, the real question remains, what am I doing up at 6am for the second night in a row, without any real reason or productive activity? Slipping into old habits boyo! And not even your latest attempt at wit can justify it.

BMW buying... again.

2007-07-27T04:06:00.000+01:00

Well it looks like I am going to have to pull the finger out and get my BMW sold now because as of this evening I am now the owner of a coupe, just like I have wanted to for sometime now... and yet again, I have done this cheaply!

Despite dropping out of the running on Ebay as it reached the dizzy, bankrupting heights of £280 for what was described as an MOT failure, the seller emailed soon after to ask if I wanted it for my top bid of £275 as the winning bidder hadn't realised how far apart Peterhead and the West Midlands of England were... of course, I bullshitted slightly about being stung by this kind of ruse before and said £200 or "I'm nae interestit!" - My reverse ruse, worked.

It doesn't actually need THAT much done for its MOT, but all will be revealed when we pick it up and take it home tomorrow no doubt, but for £200 I certainly can't see where it will go wrong... and depending how good or bad it turns out to be, I may just have a few tricks up my sleeve for the future, but lets not get ahead of myself. Yet..

But just look at these lights that come with it...

Mmm... I done love lexus lights!

That's life!

2007-07-24T02:22:00.000+01:00

To name one of the sad, true life! and pathetic story laden magazines that I am finding littered throughout my household recently. Take A Break! Chat! and heaps more have been flying through the door courtesy of our neighbour, Joan... Ah, the wonderfully irritating and invasive, Joan... some daft old lady that moved in across the road from us this year while I was still in Edinburgh, and that my folks had unwittingly befriended before realising she just wisnae quite there cup or tea... I kid you not, I was stood at my window last week when emerging from her house and looking across to see if anyone was in, I promptly threw myself across the couch, military movie style! Several times I have actually witnessed my Dad hiding behind the curtains if she is within sight... just so she doesn't see him and take it as a cue to visit.

Of course, my Mum is just too nice to tell her to fuck off and answers the door despite viscious threats from the rest of us about doing so, haha, even the dogs go quiet when she is about when they normally howl and bark at anything in sight, surely a sign that even they attention seeking buggers cannot be fucked with her... Anyways, you get the picture, some old cunt that irritates everyone and lives alone, that on a weekly basis drops off her collection of glossy mags because she's either read them all or is just too fucking lazy to put them in the paper box for recycling, I suspect its the latter, inconsiderate bitch. She may not live to see how warm the globe gets but the rest of us will have to if we manage to survive her secondary smoke in the back garden! (Hahaha, I better stop now before my mum reads this and goes "That's a fucking shame, leave her alone!"

Right, aye... these magazines, fuck me! Have you ever read them? Lately?! Some typical headlines:

"My wife left me for her true love! Pottery classes!"
"I'm 71 and I still yearn for a turkish toyboy... why can't I find true love?"
"Cancer took my granny away when I was 2 years old, I still haven't got over it!"
"I thought I was adopted, I wasn't! Instead I was found in a carrier bag in the local pond!"
"My mate borrewed £5 and still hasn't paid me back... two weeks later!"

Ranging from the trivial to the pathetic, all sorts of various social misfits will quite happily tell an unconvincing "reporter" aka some random handy with a biro and notepad, "their story" for not a lot more than £200.

Some of them are blatant attention-seeking, if not all of them, but by fuck, if you feel shite about your day or week, grab one of these relatively cheap magazines and cheer yourself up when you find out, life is pretty damn good really.

For example, I was moaning about travelling the other week and how annoyed I am that I've not done more of it, (scroll down the blog, too lazy to link) when I'm sat on the crapper reading an article about some middle aged cretin that has restored pride and beauty to her council estate that she has lived in all 47 of her years (I know, how the hell do you restore such qualities that never existed on a council estate in the first place, I've no idea!) and that she was getting commended for her efforts by the government and attending some awards ceremony... riverting reading, I assure you but the highlight for me was this:

"We had to take the train to birmingham and I was so excited! My first EVER train journey!"

Hahaha, my sphincter ceased up I was laughing that hard. 47 years in this world and you've never ventured on a train?! Here love, take your £200 fee and get economy on the way back instead of standing beside the toilets between carriages, go on... Live a little.

But it isn't all dull font text, no.... nooooo... there is plenty of humiliation supplied by the forlorn expressions whilst perched on their sofa, arm lovingly draped around their supportive partner "He raped me, but I still love him..."

Seriously though, like Jeremy Kyle and Trisha formats, who the hell in their right mind would air their laundry like that?! There's actually one story, where a 70+ daft old dear routinely flies out to Turkey, convinced that the lads out there fancy the pants off her, despite looking like Pat Butcher... no, no, its not the visas and your bank account lovey, its the thought of caressing your fat rolls and dried up nether regions that have them shuddering with excitement upon sight. Does she not have a family? Grandchildren? Friends that just cringe being associated with a delusional moron such as this one? And this is not the first time she wrote it I found out later... no, she'd actually written about being screwed over, twice! By turkish fellas!? Did you not learn your lesson the first time? What?!

It really is so tragically comical that I despair at myself for remotely glancing at them, and as vitriolic as I may be about those that write in, I am still reserving judgement for the pure souls that look forward to next weeks edition... I mean, is that what you live for? I can see it now, a sign or a petted lip, "Why can't I ever have a tragic lifestory, my man doesn't beat me and I wasn't abused as a child, my life is dull."

That's life...? Indeed. Mind you, I'm not particularly against the idea of writing in my own fantasy-laden story about growing up in the bronx that is Lossie or something... well, £200 is £200.

BMW Photowhoring...

2007-07-17T14:27:00.000+01:00

Seeing as sunday was so nice, I got the car in the back garden for a polish whilst my folks laid on a BBQ and afterwards took it down to Lossie Harbour for a few photos, making it look nice if I stick it on Ebay, I figure I'll get a better price?

Anyways, a select few that I really liked:

Gotta love the colour but I'm afraid I probably will sell it, £1500 would clear a big chunk of debt for me before I run back to Edinburgh next term, and although I will attempt to salvage some of the paint problems, I've lost heart in it as far as projects go... its probably time for someone else to enjoy it. As for replacements, after saving for a while, I could see myself in a coupe version, failing that another Golf Gti, as I miss the fun of throwing them into corners without fear of speed or crashing...

On the topic of photography, Aaron is away to buy a proper DSLR camera next week and so with my desire to improve my skills, I may start borrowing it from him and practising! That and I've been getting more into Flickr recently, its opens a whole new world when you get in deep enough, really interestings.

Anyways, admire.

Doodling...

2007-07-17T01:26:00.000+01:00

Lately, I've had urges to start drawing a little, whether this is prompted by ideas for another tattoo or more efforts at procrastination, I don't know... but I really miss that old ability I had to churn out all sort of different things, via painting, drawing, whatever.

Certainly, that artistic thing in me lives on, I've a burning desire to improve my photography skills and I did a nice job of Kirsty's minature cow a few weeks ago (seperate post coming, as soon as I upload the pics)... but I reckon I might dig out the old sketchbooks (I still gots them) and have a doodle now and then, just to see what I come up with.

Here's an old piece I done a couple of years ago, started off as random doodles and it turned into something that a lot of people liked:

Why didn't I stick at it in the first place you ask? Put that down to a very nasty teacher at Lossie High who just did not like me. Bitch.

Its been a while since I had a Starbucks too...

2007-07-09T03:04:00.000+01:00

Lest we forget the humble but fucking supreme Caramel Machiatto!
Hopefully, 12 hours from now I shall be sat with my dearly beloved in Ocean Terminal a-scooping my caramel-topped cream and a-supping on my hot beverage.

Its funny, but I didn't think I was missing Edinburgh all that much?

Thought for food...

2007-07-09T00:47:00.000+01:00

As I prepare to head down to Edinburgh for a few days tomorrow I realise that I haven't had any midnight steak pies from the bakers on Leith Walk or cheese and ham sandwiches from any Tesco outlet since I returned "north" for summer. I only bring this up because recently I've been making a more conscious effort to cut out the crap in my diet, and I ain't touched none of my vices except a few bottles of Dr. Pepper... Not bad, room for improvement though, as always.

And I realise, I don't particularly enjoy these items all that much, certainly not enough to justify several portions a week... and it gets me looking at my eating habits in general, and it always seems to be more oppprtunist than neccessity that dictates how/when I eat... if there's food, I'll eat it regardless of hunger.

Anyways, pointless ramblings brought to a point... yesterday I was challenged by my old man to make something "different" as opposed to his offerings. It was a challenge I was happy to attempt... check out my ghetto style recipe that even rich niggas would enjoy!

I'll call it a twisted variation of Fajitas and Nachos... I cooked the chicken and peppers with the fajita mix, got a bunch of plain doritos, spicy tattie wedges and heaps of grated cheese and some more peppers before layering some doritos at the bottom of a big bowl, then some fajita mix, layered with cheese, more doritos, more cheese, more fajita mix with peppers and tobasco sauce added, then more wedges, cheese, fajita mix and and wedges again, the rest of cheese on top and all of it bunged into a hot oven to melt/toast the cheese whilst I got some fajita wraps ready... we all tucked in and fucking loved it!

Hot, filling and definitely "different" just as ma Daddy ordered! Oh, there was a bit of salad and salsa at the side too... for the healthier, alternative option, washed down with coke.

Ghetto food, tis the schizzle when I makes it sizzle!

Travelling "."

2007-07-08T20:04:00.000+01:00

I promised myself I would go travelling this year, and halfway through 2007 apart from a brief foray into London, I am yet to keep that promise.

As Barrie landed in Dubai en route to Mahe Island, Seychelles yesterday, I realised that he was the first person out of my family to have escaped the boundaries of Europe and I'm slightly jealous... Not that I haven't travelled myself in the past, below, in red, charts my own wanderings:

create your personalized map of europe

But I want more.

I had to cancel my trip to Poland, and I've yet to get to Prague, I had to turn down invitations to a Grand Prix in Germany or Hungary, and I hate it! I also fucking hate this country with this shambolic weather and just want away from it all for an extended perod... so next year, DEFINITELY, next year, I'm fucking off somewhere for a month or so, likely on my tod.

Japan seems favoured at the moment...

P.S In the title I placed "" either side of . because I'm not really sure if it is appropriate for the title of my blog postings or not, just like emails aren't formal, should my blog be? I don't know... if anyone read this I'm sure a raging discussion would ensue... alas, this is not the case. *sobs*

Talking of home...

2007-07-02T03:04:00.000+01:00

Figured that I'd write about what I've been up to since I got home to Lossiemouth for the summer...

I pretty much started with Hertz straightaway but felt compelled to leave before I even got my uniform, it really was that crap, though I would have liked the cash I guess. Oops. I'm applying for other jobs but amongst the fact I have resits and most want permanent commital, I fear its not worth it?

But cash is cash, and I've years to make plenty of it even if I would prefer it sooner rather than later, but I'm taking positive steps to clear my debts and get things on an even keel again, bank charge reclaim, the lot. Watch this space.

In between all that, I've not done much else, I've walked the dogs a fair bit, I've also played the fucking Xbox a fair bit too... dieting and training hasn't really started like I said it would but I feel that it must if I'm to justify not getting another job (I'm trying but I'm failing) and so I fully expect a nicer, less rounded belly by the end of september.

Relationship stuff, as always it seems, still topsy-turvy, never have two people met their match like us, not since the early 80s when Bjorn Bjorg and John MacEnroe were battling it out on the tennis circuits. But we'll be fine in the end, we always are... x

It's good seeing everyone and having the family together again though, laughs all day long and some bickering also, but thats normal for us. I'm soooo jealous of Barrie away to Seychelles next week and am determined to embark on a similar venture next year, but I look forward to postcards and stories. I also look forward to Andrew joining us in Edinburgh after the summer and really feel that the next year will be eventful in that respect, certainly for him, the self-styled stud. And Aaron, well Aaron is himself really, a lot like his eldest brother, except for the silly hair and bumfluff that adrons his chin.

I'm also making an effort to catch up with some friends too, its amazing but so much seems to happen inbetween my visits, the Rott and Tracey have a new dog, a monster of an excuse for a vehicle, and are planning on a new house too!? Karen and Bullys "Munchies" empire is getting bigger... bouncy castles min! And Mckay and me have rediscovered the joys of "spinning" recently, rekindling the pleasantness of a dash around the hight street circuit eyeing up the local talent(which is pretty scarce these days)and just having a laugh while we thrash fuck out of each other playing his Nintendo Wii... Good times. There's still a few folk to see to and so if they're reading this, be warned!

Quite a slow and dull start to my return to Lossie I know, but I do propose to do more, starting tomorrow. Vive la revolution, eh what?

Oh, and I have a car again, MOT'd and taxed this week, though I think I'm selling it as I'm plain pissed off with the paintwork these days, the work itself has turned out to be very poor and I'm so disheartened with it I think it is time to part ways (that and I really would prefer a coupe).

A state of disrepair?

2007-07-02T01:32:00.000+01:00

What's happened to Lossiemouth? Eh?

After fetching my granny's weekly baked goods (Pancakes for a change, mmm!) I decided to get some fresh air and take a donder around Lossie the day, its been a while since I properly strolled around the town for no reason and so sticking on my ridiculous "painter/decorator" jumper and SE headphones, I pounded the pavements of my hometown.

All I see is houses springing up in silly places, english folk driving 4x4s to the Co-op, and everything else, things that I cherished and things that about Lossie that made me love the place growing up, just lying in a state of disrepair...

The river runs brown. It always did look a murky shade but it didn't stop hundreds of us piling of the brig or swimming across from the mieles and the rockpool... now I wouldn't dip my toes in it, it has an air of FILTH about it, no doubt due to the sweage plant up the road but still... And the beach itself, the tide throws up more bric'a'brac than you'd find in a jumble sale once the dunes have taken another battering by the ever-rising sea, the same dunes which were at least twice the size when I was young.

And the Station park, which hasn't had a lick of paint since it opened, which has had its old assault course ripped down (Health & Safety?) and just looks desolate, obsolete... redundant. I remember when that place thrived, when it would host trampolines and other activities in the summer... Now? Now, even the crazy golf course has been removed, white/yellow patches of grass contrast against the surrounding green, which is just littered with dogshit all over it. The Station park when I was a kid, was awesome, it really was but now it looks worse than a playground in Basra.

And as I strolled on, this aged, unkept, almost tragic theme continued.

The harbour hangs it's head in shame, its been years since it was rammed full of fishing boats, and I mean real ones, not pissy crab catchers, these days it hosts a vast array of yachts and leisure boats which I seriously suspect have never been put to sea, instead enduring an entire summer of cleaning, guffawing at your berthmates poor jokes and moving ropes and other unused sailing paraphrenelia from port to starboard to port again. All the huts have gone, the same ones that I used to lean my bikes on while I skimmed stones down by the rocks at the back of the harbour wall... when was the market last open to my knowledge, for actual trading even? God only knows...

And as I strut, I tut. Lossie really is looking sorry for itself these days, yet silly houses are springing up in random places, shops close down thanks to the likes of Tesco, Asda, Lidl, and other unnecessary stores in close proximity, only to open again shortly as a new venture before closing down again... Fuck me, its actually really depressing the way it has changed, or hasn't. Why throw up so many new properties in a place where nothing thrives, there's a golf club which still seems exclusive to the RAF and folk who owned their own boat, and thats about it. The sense of community that my grandparents and my own parents gushed about is gone, folk don't seem to care about anything going on beyond the front gate, there's no respect for others, no care for the way things are going, and soon, soon it'll be too late to do anything.

It certainly puts me off ever living here for good, and I'm fucked if I raise my kids in a city like Edinburgh...

I'm seriously considering putting these thoughts more collectively to the council or Northern Scot, because something needs to be said, before nothing is done and the rest of the town move away.

It really got me down today and not because it was raining, but because I fear the charm that Lossie used to have is gone now. It's officially a shithole.

I'm not entirely happy with the emerging Little Poland that Moray seems to be growing into either, but thats another matter.

Cured!

2007-06-25T18:40:00.000+01:00

I sorted out that seagulls problem I had working at Hertz last week, as reported in my return to ranting with the i8 series...

I quit the fucking job. Maximum results, I've not heard the faintest of relentless shrills in a day already.

Ach, the job was fucking crap, I don't mind working but I despise working and being asked to work more because the rest of the crew are sitting either rolling or smoking fags all day. No cunt makes a mug out of me, so I told them where to stick it!

Job hunting now takes over the flat hunting... For a man, I'm a fucking poor hunter.

Flat hunting... Again?!

2007-06-21T17:12:00.001+01:00

*SIGH* How many fucking times do I have to go through this...

Looks like me and Kirsty will be moving into seperate flats after the summer, great. Fair enough, space, blah, blah... but its so bloody inconvenient, I'd ideally prefer to live on my own, but thats nigh on impossible to do cheaply... I'm talking at least £400pm before bills, and so I am forced to resign myself to the "find a flatmate" sections on StudentPad and other such sites, fanfuckingtastic.

So now I have to prepare myself and have money for a deposit and months rent in advance, which is to be expected... but fucks with my moneysaving plans for this summer. But the main problem I face is other flatmates - finding a good one(s) is like trying to find a Cadbury's Wispa these days, impossible. As I scan through the ads on Gumtree too, its all geeks or foreign students (don't they have universities at home!?) and women.

I'm not particularly against the idea of living with other women, but I'm not single first of all... and there's always the jealousy factor which is natural, I sure as fuck wouldn't want my girlfriend sharing with a bunch of random guys. Not even poofs. But then you have to work out the problems of periods, sharing with three girls the worst possible outcome is I'd get one week of peace and quiet a month! Cleanliness would be another one, I like things clean, sure... I'm just not obsessive about it like every chick else seems to be. Nah... the more I write about it the more I talk myself out of it... if I'm living with a girl, its gotta be my girl. (HINT)

To fuck with even sharing the same postcode as a foreign student, I straight up hate the cunts. From the chinese moaning whore that lived above me in halls, to the eurotrash that do fuck all but smoke pot all day... they can get to fuck.

I'm also not sure about Mature students... fuck, I'm almost classed as one these days but no, a mature student, from my experience is always an awkward try-hard, the one that has always read the readings before EVERY class. Even next term's. Living with one of those would be tedious, they are usually penny-counting, eco-worrying, midlife crisis types of people who are almost always trying to be younger by sporting a Goatee/Ponytail/INSERT OTHER... and no matter what you are talking about, they have always, always done it before, and if they havn't, they've already arranged to prior to your conversation. No.

Maybe its hard for me to find a good flatmate because I'm so prejudiced already? Fuck it, at least if I hate every cunt I won't pick a bad apple. Hmm...

I also couldn't find myself being too chuffed to move in with a clique of mates or folk that try to hard to be students, like HAVE to go out every night, HAVE to steal traffic cones, HAVE to be soooo mental!

I think I would just be happy on my own, if I could afford, with my Xbox, my reasonnably sized telly and a couch/bed. And have folks visit me...

Except who would ever visit me?

I feel this is to be continued...

i8... Gows.

2007-06-18T19:46:00.000+01:00

Seagulls, gows, gulls, or even "Scurries" as my own wee broch quine calls them, I FUCKING HATE THE BASTARDS.

Ever-squawking, ever-shitting, ever-fucking-day little vermin cunts.

I just started a new job working for Hertz car hire folk with my Mum at Inverness airport (Its ok, its a job, I'll blog on that later) and I pretty much spend all day valeting cars, well I say I valet but I just spend my shift cutting corners if I'm honest. Anyways... I'll clean, clean, clean, jetwash and park it up ready for it to be transported back to HQ and hired out... except the compound is fucking full of this pisspoor excuse for an animal, and by fuck do they love to upset me by shitting ALL OVER the freshly valeted car. Not just the roof, the windows, the sides, the tyres, they can shit at angles, its unbelievable!

So far I've been lucky to avoid being shat on, but I fear its not far off.

There's actually a few nests of the cunts, all over the place, there's even three little baby ones, still learning to flap the wings but by fuck they can let fly already with their arses! Fucking disgusting, diseased, greetin' motherfuckers... I honestly hate them that much.

Anyways, I'm trying to figure out how to dispose of them. I've tried and failed to run over the young ones so far, but I'll keep trying. Aaron's BB gun is fucked, I'm not sure if the old bread/baking soda trick ever worked or if it was just an urban myth... but I seriously want rid of them, and will pretty much do anything it costs to achieve this.

But I don't just despise them because of my work, I just hate the cunts circling above me, the disease they carry, their burning red eyes and I especially hate when my own car gets shat on, I mean, what the fuck is in that shit? ACID? It literally burns through the paintwork like Lava!

Argh! I really do fucking hate them, forever cleaning my hands at work just to feel clean when they're only flying around the sky! Fucking disgusting tinks! In fact, if Seagulls were people, they'd be neds from New Elgin... thats how bad it is.

Fuck me, feel slightly better now, that was a strong return to the i8 theme, dirty little things.

PLEASE INFORM ME OF CHOICE METHODS OF DISPOSAL.

End of an era...

2007-06-09T15:21:00.000+01:00

That's it punters, I'm no longer a doorman, and I feel fucking great about it too.

For a start, no more phonecalls from morons that know me by association trying to blag free entry for them and ten mates.

Two years, give or take a month or so... and in that time I worked all over Edinburgh, I've tried to remember them but I've honestly worked at close to 30/40 venues in that short two years...

Anyway, I'd love to write a sentimental account of my life on the doors, but in all honesty and to be blunt, I'm glad I'm done, I've had it up to my nose with idiots, schemies and tiredness, to name but a few issues... so thats it, finito.

Procrastination for the nation!

2007-06-04T19:46:00.000+01:00

Well, wikipedia tells me that "Procrastination is the deferment or avoidance of an action or task to a later time. For the person procrastinating this may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of productivity, the creation of crisis, and the chagrin of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. While it is normal for individuals to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder."

Its getting beyond a joke now... so much so that Kirsty is threatening to leave me. (Maybe thats why I keep doing it? To make sure?!) but three essays due this week, three outstanding essays and an exam to come next, not forgetting that I'm moving out of this flat in the next few days and have a few shifts this week too! What surprises me is I always find the time to waste, but never find the time to do the meaningful things...

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT PROCRASTINATION:
1. Its good fun...
2.
3.
4.

A wee bit worried about the final line in that quote though, psychological disorder? Im fucking studying that shit and I didn't know that!

Need to pull the finger out... BIGTIME.

0/10 for effort

2007-06-02T12:49:00.001+01:00

I did buy it with the fullest intentions of using it. Three years ago.

Honestly, I did.

Will hopefully be using it this summer to get fit again! Out to Duffus castle?! Elgin and back!?

But just look at the dust on that... no wonder I'm so unfit!

Vespa Heaven!

2007-06-02T12:42:00.000+01:00

This week, I've had massive, insane urges to possess one of the bad boys...

Why? Beats me... But they seem a cheap and cheerful route into fun. I can quite easily see me with a stupid helmet on zipping around Lossie all summer, or even better, a gorgeous sunny day in Edinburgh, zoomzooming all over the shore and beyond... "Neeeaaar!" all over the place!

I really really do fancy one! Get it painted some mad colour, and just have a blast!

This is my two fingered blog post to Barrie, my Dad, and everyone else that tells me its gay as fuck... what would you know?! Huh!

Aimless wandering leads to new discoveries (COWS!)

2007-05-28T10:58:00.000+01:00

So me and Kirsty thought we'd head out for a coffee on saturday afternoon, before it got too late to do the things we have to do when we say we're busy and suggested sticking it to the Starbucks mafia and trying one of the wee places that litter the shore along from us... Why not?

And in that wee decision, we found heaps that we've never given ourselves the chance to find before...

A massive carpark, heaps of wee cafes and bistros, Leith's oldest pub, and we even found a cow! And if you know me by now, you knows thats fucking awesome!

I'm sure I've seen it somewhere before actually, and thats its been relocated, but then I know there was at least five cows down the Shore that I never found last summer, and so this could be one of them put back after the auction?! Hmm... nonetheless, always a pleasant surprise, my affection for these never falters and I definitely want one of my own one day...

But aye, wandering around the Shore on such a nice day was awesome, we really don't take enough time out to enjoy our surroundings I reckon, one of the things I'll have to rectify when I come back after summer! Especially going back to Cafe Truva... AWESOME apple/caramel betty pie thing going on there.

Anyways, that was all I wanted to say, I had a nice saturday. I bet yours was crap.

Beware of Basil

2007-05-23T13:45:00.001+01:00

Whoooooops!

The other night, Kirsty was on her nightshift/early shift double whammy and asked me to run to the 24hr get some food in for her and for me in the flat which was quite poorly stocked... "Tomato soup" was one of the features of her list.

The first two tins I grabbed were "Tomato with a hint of Basil", a variation from Heinz. No worries, even I didn't bat an eyelid, but unfortunately, when I had it the next day... it was fucking rank. Barely tasted the tomato, all my tastebuds sensed was an overwhelming bitterness, which I presume was that bastard basil.

Anyways, I noted to myself "Must not get that again" and I forget all about it, until two minutes ago when I got this text from my dearly beloved.

"Cana believe U got me tomato soup with hint of basil YUK! Ur a loser!"

First of all, charmed, aren't you? But there you have it, even Kirsty "I'll eat onythin!" Buchan hates the poor adaptation of Heinz's classic soup... so if I were you I wouldn't even bother, even if the 65p a tin tempts you, because BITTER disappointment awaits you, and I emphasise BITTER because I'm away to have a word with Heinz marketing...

'Cause there's more than a fucking hint.

Taking photos - why do I feel so naughty?

2007-05-23T13:18:00.000+01:00

Ever feel like a complete tit when you whip out the old camera and people stop and stare at you? Why are you looking at me? Why not look at whatever it is I'm trying to capture, fucking dick.

I've always felt like this, in certain enviroments, mind. At car shows, everyone is wandering around snap happy, and the same goes for tourist attractions... but when you are the only one that is taking photos in everyday situation, people seem to take notice of you, it makes you feel a right tit, honest.

I only bring this up because whilst I was home at the weekend, me and my brother Barrie took the pups, Tiny and Snowball for a walk around Duffus Castle (talking of photos, a couple of crackers of the pups were snapped by Barrie!) and as we returned to the car, we met a couple arriving armed to the teeth with photo-paraphernalia. As Barrie spent a few minutes trying to persuade the puppies it was in their best interest to "get in the fucking car" rather than walk back to Lossie, I watched the budding paparazzi make their way up the hill but not without randomly stopping, stooping and contorting themselves into weird positions in an attempt to get a "good shot".

Them on the hill, myself and Barrie in the carpark, Tiny and Snowball ignoring us... Barrie clocks the woman, bent double, arse hanging out of jeans (not entirely unpleasant) and goes "What the fuck is she doing?"

Indeed.

No doubt, if there was hunners of folk up there doing the same, Barrie wouldn't have batted an eyelid... but he didn't consider what she was taking photos off, did he? Duffus Castle, in its ruined state, is quite a nice sight, great for taking the dogs a walk as opposed to avoiding flying bricks in Edinburgh's rougher districts with your staffies I'd hazard a bet on... And I guess this is why I always feel sort of, seedy, like I'm up to no good when I'm trying to take photos of something in public, because I know that others are only aware of me, not what I'm photographing.

It's nothing like the feeling of having your picture taken, nothing at all like that - thats cringing mixed with a baited anticipation, especially when you're other half insists on squawking around for better angles with the camera upside down on "portrait"... I hate that almost as much as taking the photos myself - Just press the fucking button, bitch!

This is why camera phones are a great adaptation of two modern inventions. You always have your phone out don't you, so having a camera integrated means you can slyly take shots of allsorts without raising awareness of what you are up to... thus no stop/stares.

But as if the funny looks from passersby aren't enough, its when you get the interfering cunts that decide they want to tell you all about the object you're taking photos of! FUCK OFF! This especially goes out to museum curators (apart from the nice guy that chatted to me and Kirsty about the millenium clock once, he was ultracool).

Fuck me, I think I might just bin my camera, taking photies is just more grief than its worth.

Heartbroken.

2007-05-19T17:31:00.000+01:00

So I'm jacking in the doors. But as I hummed and hawwed about it, the pros and cons. the decision was taken out of my hands when I drove past a venue that I used to work at, and to date, the only venue I can say I "loved" to work at... and noticed it had been bulldozed, kocked down, destroyed, whatever you want... It was gone.

Establishment - the place to be if you wanted 50p vodka and cheesy tunes, never a dull moment whether you on the pull or working as one of the doorstaff like myself, I worked there for a solid 9 months until it closed down last year... I'd heard the rumours like it was opening again, new owners, or that it couldn't be knocked down because it was a listed building. But amidst these unwavering high hopes, none of these stories had a happy ending for me.

I'm not the only one that feels this way, indeed I know some doormen that quit after the music was dimmed down for the last time in Establishment... it was that great a place, it really was. Bricks and mortar it may be to some, but the laughs and the scraps I had in there helped shape most of the doorman I am today.

Its funny, but I never once came home from Establishment hating the job, now every shift I am announcing my departure can't come soon enough to anyone that will listen! So with the dust still settling just off Lothain Rd. as I drove past it a few weeks ago, my decision was made, it was time to go.

Kind of always hoped I'd end up working there again and that definitely won't happen now.

i8... whatever happened there?

2007-05-19T17:04:00.000+01:00

Remember this? Around christmas time I decided I'd write about the things that hack me off... I never really got into it though, and thats not because I've mellowed out and nothing bothers me, I'm just... always finding something else to do.

To be honest, if I wrote about everything that ripped my fucking knitting, I'd be updating hourly! I'm only 23 but already, I feel like a miserable, bitter old bastard.

Anyways, other stuff bugging me is the layout of this blog, I fancy a change so some decoration is in order. Also, another thing... why can't my blog be as funny as some of the ones I read?! Hmm?

BMW gets leathered!

2007-05-17T14:40:00.000+01:00

Ace - just got myself some nice leather seats for the BMW at the weekend!

Spied a guy from Glasgow selling them cheap on E36 website and snapped them right up, at £170 with a set of 15s thrown in, it was a steal.

Needs a wee clean but apart from that, looks swell! The car is pretty much complete now... minor things like sideskirts or a new stereo if I wanted to be anal about it, but I gots the wheels, the respray, the bumper, the interior... what else do I need now?

I'll likely leave it as it is now, I don't want to sink anymore cash into it... I'd rather have an M3!

Home Sweet Home.

2007-05-17T14:18:00.000+01:00

"I've been to the east and I've been to the west, but I know the place, that I like the best... it's my hometown.... MY HOMETOWN!"

*SIGH* Well, looks like I'm spending my entire summer back up north folks, Kirsty has bought a house and in order to shave some debt off our backs, she's moving in with folk from work whilst I go home and live rent-free for a few months.

Pure and simple, its a cost-cutting excercise. But it's also a means to an end. I figure that if I get a decent job paying an easy £800pm, I can save plenty and pay off my credit card and loan by the time I head back to Uni after the break... its perfectly possible, especially now that I have work lined up with my Mum at Hertz - a job that entails driving/delivering hire cars to clients and cleaning/maintaining them upon return. An easy grand a month I figure if I get the hours, minus my £300 for rent and bills... (Just reread that and I mean to say that I won't be forking out £300 for all that shit!, I'll be saving it by living at home!)

If I can clear the bills then I'm laughing. I have nothing else to buy for my car now that I sourced some leather seats at the weekend, and I've no holidays planned either. It also means I can jack in the doors too... which I only started doing to pay these bills in the first place.

Indeed, I'm quitting. My licence expires next month, I can't be fucked with the new licence coming in and to be honest, I just don't enjoy the job anymore... the shit from Edinburgh's schemies and grief from certain managers makes the job unbearable these days. Plus, I'd like some form of a social life back too... especially when I've missed out on the good times with certain mates over the last two years who are now moving outta town. My own fault, and I'm bitter about that - its time to make amends.

But I ain't just going home to graft in the financial sense, I also figure that while I am in Lossie, I can train a lot better with the support of my family and get down to my best fitness and shape again. I'm talking about daily runs around the park, walking the dogs, a punchbag in the garage perhaps, Kettlebells in the back garden... all luxury items that can't be accessed easily in Edinburgh.

In a sense, I'm fed up being skint, and fed up of being fat. I'm also fed up not doing anything about it... before I left Lossie, I wasn't fat or broke, was I?

So aye, heading home for the summer. That's me. It's not so bad is it?

Woohoo!

2007-05-12T19:13:00.000+01:00

Well chuffed, just found out one of my favourite bands is representing Sweden in the Eurovision Song contest! The Ark - not really a fan of the song but love their other stuff!

Vote for SVEDEN!

Seeing as I'm coming home...

2007-05-10T13:15:00.001+01:00

Full Sleeve Japanese Tattoo, originally uploaded by Lee Powell.

Just came across this on Flickr and it rekindled my desires for a decent sleeve tattoo, and there are only a handful of people I'd consider to let loose on my skin, and the guy in Elgin, is among them.

Fuck Terry Ritchies next door... septicemia!? Noooooo...

I'd probably see about getting my PRIDE tattoo sorted/redone first though.

(Notice how I'm blogging more now that I have my Flickr sync'd?)

Where are they coming from?

2007-05-09T22:19:00.001+01:00

CIMG1799, originally uploaded by big_bear.

Every couple of weeks, the entire population of the Elements run to their windows and balconies for an imprompty firework display... Kirsty argues that it is at Meadowbank, I say its much closer cos they are so loud... just can't put my finger on it and if anyone knows, please put me out of my misery!

London was swell!

2007-05-06T18:04:00.000+01:00

Been back a week now and jesus, my sleeping pattern is fucked - and when I say fucked for me I mean normal for you, I never go to bed when its the PM, work and bad porn sourcing habits play a part in this... but the whole week in London, me and Kirsty were crashing out by midnight and getting up before 10am most days, the norm for most folk but not for me and now it feels like my bodyclock is twisted out of shape... I struggle to keep my eyes open past the 6 O'clock news! (Not really but it feels like it!)

Anyways, London was pretty good! Done the whole tourist thing, ate out at some nice restuarants, met some peculiar yet very interesting people and just had a ball!

Of course, I've uploaded photos from the week onto my flickr for you all to see and I have to big up the camera that I found in Opium ages ago, bought a charger for it and it lasted an entire week and 350 photos on a single charge. Its sad that shit like that impresses me but there ya have it folks, the Canon Ixus 60 rocks my cock.

London Photies!

The London Eye was pretty fucking cool, this was the one thing I wouldn't leave London without visiting and I'm glad I did, full scale, 360 degree panaroma! The views were pretty smart even if most of London is ugly... Kirsty played a blinder when she got in the pod and declares 30ft up "I don't think I like heights..." Thankfully, she just about coped with the 45 minute journey while I danced around snapping like a maniac...

Madame Tussaud's was good too, but what really hacked me off was that they make you pay £25 then shepherd you through the place with a bunch of kids and foreigners at a pace akin to white water rafting and thats it. But apart from that, some of the models were very, very lifelike though I'm not sure that they are exactly to scale, I was much bigger than Muhammed Ali for a start! Really!? Exactly my point.

I also queried the authencity of a few models, this one for starters was cleary a fake.

Everyone knows that the boy Xavier is in a fucking wheelchair! Get with the programme Tussaud's!*

My favourite part of Madame Tussaud's though, was the morons wrongly identifying the waxworks... for example:

Two girls discussing if it was Enrique Iglesias - google it if you don't know, but erm... what the hell?!

Kid: "Who's that, daddy?"
Parent: "I'm sure it's the Dalai Lama, son!"

That's a real fucking beaut that is, I was tempted to let this one go on the grounds that he's pretty obscure these days but not when I noticed "GHANDI" printed at the bottom of the statue.

It was so, so bad that I started hanging around the less well known waxworks in the hope of overhearing more classics but the high ranker of the day went to the Beatles when I was taking this photo and a couple of women scurried over with:

"OOOH! It's Take That! over there!"

Sorry love, big disappointment!

Ah! The joys! Other highlights of the week included spying a 70grand mobile phone in Harrods... you know I'm gonna hassle 02 come my upgrade! LOL! Oh, and I spotted Dustin Hoffman outside Harrods too but couldn't get a picture taken with him, not after I blurted out within ten feet to my dearly beloved:

"Fuck me, Kirsty! Thats Dustin Hoffman!" Honestly, I struggled that much to contain my excitement that I was instantly ashamed of myself.

What else, apart from admiring Kirsty's Auntie Karen's massive Louis Vitton collection which is just daft but I like it anyways - Adm, you're fault! - and its all genuine too! Bag, bigger bag, laptop case... hahahah! A fucking Louis Vitton laptop case!?! In the end I shamelessly bought myself a fake LV wallet in Camden Market I like it that much... it was that or slyly smuggling the laptop case home!

See said laptop case!

Oh, and I caught my first ever musical, Chicago! and it was brilliant! Can honestly say I'm a fan now and Kirsty is chuffed with that as she's been dying to get me to a musical for ages - trust me, ain't no shame fellas... some FIT birds on stage!

The Tate Modern ^^^ was also visited, and I hated it. Well not it, but the people there and that includes my girlfriend. When I am looking at shit, I do not want to be surrounded by pretentious fucks cooing "Oh, the use of line is magnificent!" or "I absolutely adore the implementation of colour within this section here... beautiful."

SHUT UP.

I just wanted to breeze from room to room checking stuff out, some was actually pretty funky and some was downright crap... but I didn't wanna analyse it, no... I was happy browsing instead of trying to be something I ain't, a fucking twat. It really did bug me this much and Kirsty sensed my disdain and even rose to the defence of their likes and so we discussed a painting so that I could justify my point.

Said artefact.

Me: "Right, look at this and tell me what you see..."
Kirsty: Squinting, rotating her head almost 360degrees to take in all angles, admiring... basically taking too fucking long to answer.
Me: "Fucking lemon meringue pie, and thats it, nothing else."

Cue obligatory rolling of the eyes from spouse. I win.

Seriously, I just wanted to chill out and enjoy it my way, not look at it and break it down as if its a wine tasting session.

I did find something I liked however, and that was the Gilbert & George display, thats all the screwed up, graphic design style massive grid like pictures you'll see in my flickr, I actually bought a book containing all the images as I thought it was perfect coffee table material. Fandan, eh?

The rest of the week was spent tubing it and chilling out, thankfully the weather was great the whole time and the food and wine flowed plenty, no complaints. To perfectly end our week, we took a boat trip on the saturday afternoon and it was just nice...

A great week and we'll definitely be going back in the future I reckon - I want that Louis Vitton bag.

A nice wee photo of me and Kirsty to round my post off!

A warning to never try ectasy kids!

*I will fucking kill anyone that tries to argue that he stood up in X-men 3, so what, he was a lazy cunt then, I'd quite easy drive one of those green/grey chariots around Tesco myself if I the old cunts didn't bag and hog them first!

Not happy.

2007-05-06T17:59:00.000+01:00

Take a look at this.

What the fuck is that black shit? It just looks messy and amateur.

I know there was problems with the bootlid but that looks pure laziness to me. And the sidestrips, christ... they're rough in parts and their is crusty bits of paint runs I could pick off. SHOULD. NOT. BE. HAPPENING.

But what do I do, I've become so pally with Richard that I don't know how to approach the situation apart from my usual barge in, guns blazing throwing the smackdown style... I seriously don't know if I'd use them again, but then any other work runs the risk of being mismatched in colour, etc.

For fuck sake.

Quick update!

2007-04-23T00:39:00.000+01:00

Not posted much, but don't worry! Like everything else in my life I've the utmost intentions of checking it off my "To do..." list but just never fucking get around to it, fucking A.

Not much has happened except some extreme procrastination with regards to Uni, gym, car, work, everything - trust me, I may fail in achieving a degree at Uni but I'll walk it as far as a Phd in extensions is concerned, like I've told those who struggle to understand how I manage to get them, "I'll weep if it gets a week."
Pathetic I know but its gotta be done to remain in the game, next step is to get ahead in said game.

Other news includes getting caught speeding, "Quelle Surprise!" I hear you exclaim and alas, I am ashamed, yes... for I was caught by a speed camera near my flat, which I probably pass ten times a day!
Embarrassing. I was only going 40mph too, but I'll tell anyone that it was 100+, my integrity as a boy racer must and shall endure.

What else?

Oh aye, new mobile phone, the N73 that I agonised over so much just broke my spirit - the camera took longer than an Amstrad to load, the headphones just wouldn't stay in the socket and trust me, when it comes out whilst using the MP3 player and switches "Sacrifice - Elton John" onto loudspeaker in a busy supermarket, its not a particularly good look for me - and the texts took F.O.R.E.V.E.R to send and even though I eventually fixed this with a firmware update, my heart was already seeking a way out of this jinxed relationship...

Cue stage left, some smooth words and me Momma's upgrade, I give you the new star of the show, Mr. SE W950i - now doesn't he look TEH SH!T.

4GB Memory for storing choons, awesome headphones and ipodesque shape, it foxy looks trot with my style, the texting is a bit difficult to get to grips with having been a Nokia fanboy since the days of 3210s but I'm getting there... and you just cannae beat the likes of ChampMan, Deal or No Deal amongst others in the games dept. either - this fucking phone rules, the battery life lasts the pace and hardly any cunts has it. (You may be eagle-eyed and spot no camera, or not even give a shit either way, but I don't need one, I have two decent digicams and must justify their presence by using them more!)

Added bonus feature is that the wee stylus pen thing for it, that you can click/tap your way through the functions or even write your texts with, is dead handy for picking your teeth - Sony Ericsson, eh? They think of everything!

Hmm, Work on the doors has been a bit daft, recent events include getting jumped by a group of rugby players which only served to justify my opinion that rugby is for homos and another scrap leaving me with a smashed hearing aid, but don't worry, a casual squirt of CS gas in the cunts face made up for it - hearing aid replacements don't come cheap, and so it was that or mugging him, and because I'm not a nasty cunt, I couldn't bring myself to raid his pockets. Could I?

Now all that remains is to finish a few essays, waste more time on Xbox Live and enjoy my wee trip to LDN town! Aye, tomorrow I'm flying down to London with Kirsty to sample the touristy side of London, something I never got to indulge in when I was part of the judo jetset! Looking forward to that and will most definitely post an entry about that when I get back next week! Photo's included! One of my main missions down there will be to track down some Coo's from the Cow Parade that was there a couple of years ago!

On the bmw front, hmm... negative. It's running like a bag of shit, Edinburgh's lunar-like surface is taking its toll on the suspension and its stonechip heaven still, on the plus side its booked in for more work at AI whilst I'm in London to get the sidestrips and other bits and bobs colour coded, and a new spoiler supplied, fitted and painted by Richard from AI!
That should instill the smile factor in my bm life once more! Also, I forked out some of my student loan on fancy polishes and stuff to get it niiiiice and shiiiiineee!

Talking of the student loan, it never ceases to amaze just how quickly I can rip through it, for once it lasted almost a week, and it went to mostly good causes aside from bills, but I've an ace up my sleeve to ensure another payout (backdated) before the summer comes - and thank fuck because I hear confirmed rumours that next year, the money comes in monthly, which will be a fucker... I prefer the job lot and the spending spree that usually follows, not this drips and drabs shit.

Right, another dose of caffiene and finish off Essay 1 of 3, I hope you've not missed me to much!

Rargh.

FlicketyFlick :: More from my Flickr

2007-03-26T00:41:00.000+01:00

Although I've been quiet I've not been inactive, so to keep you busy before I write more, here is my flckr account now with LOTS more photos uploaded!

Click on the picture to arrive my Flickr! And if you refresh the page here just now, PRESS F5 KEY, then it'll continually change the selection of pictures!

www.flickr.com

More of big_bear's photos

Tata!

[No] More pubshit :-(

2007-03-19T01:42:00.000Z

If you'll remember, in september: The Archives I went a bit daft during Jack Daniel's free promo month and hoarded a heap of stuff...

Today, I am ashamed of myself, for yesterday the 17th of March, a date belonging to the irish and St Patrick - as I rolled over this morning, still in half my workclothes, I wasn't surrounded by fleecetops, fluffy hats, silly inflatables or any sort of tacky irish themed shit...

No, just pillows. in the aftermath of a day that is fucking famed for the amount of shit that gets dished out and I didn't even get so much as a beermat. I really let myself down, because I could have fucking ruled at this shit if I had been on the ball...

Disgusted with myself, I really am - what am I gonna do for my girlfriend's anniversary or birthday presents now? I'll have to "buy" something... bollocks!

Must. Try, Harder.

(A note to my brother Barrie - Don't think I didn't notice your Guiness hat, sunshine. I wouldn't let it out of your sight.)

He's a:LIVE!

2007-03-17T14:13:00.000Z

Finally, I've got an internet connection going in the flat now, connected as of yesterday so all you avid followers will start to see more updates on the blog! Excited! I fucking hope not you sad bastards, but at least look forward to them a little, that's ok...

I'm just rather pleased to say that the whole experience was painless, I was expecting some kind of problem to happen, anything at all... but nope, even connecting my Xbox 360 was easy enough!

That's riiiight...

Beambeam1 is now on Xbox Live people, gamertag is a blatantly obvious beambeam1 too so look out for me on the pixel pitch that is Pro Evo 6 mostly... I have a few scores to settle!

Right, too busy to write more, MP3 downloading, porn gathering and xbox playing to get on with.

Then its dealing with a million argumentative irish folk seeing as they look set to win the six nations rugby on their hallowed Paddy's day!

Buffy, addicted to coffee!

2007-03-14T12:23:00.000Z

Just uploading some photos of my girlfriend's wee pup that is staying with us for a few weeks, she's a wee coffee addict!

Exams

2007-03-14T12:17:00.000Z

Two down, one to go... not much else happening except an awareness that I still have coursework outstanding, but I'm dedicated, I'm even queing outside the library at 8.30am on a monday, eager for knowledge, yep... that's me.

BMW: Soapy!

2007-03-06T15:50:00.000Z

Since I've had the car resprayed, I've become a little obsessive about keeping it clean, I'm ashamed to say... In fact, I'm probably visiting the local jetwashes around Edinburgh about twice a week, and I've even started a thread on a local car forum asking where the best one in town is! Sad, I know...

Come on, I forked out good money on that paintjob, and it's a car I can finally be proud of too so leave me be... and don't listen to my girlfriend Kirsty when she moans I'm out at midnight looking for a jetwash thats still open 'cause I want it clean before the morning, she's lying!

But it's a depressing sport sometimes, it really is, I'm going around the car and forever spotting defects like swirls caused by the wrong sponge or mitt, honestly it gets me close to tears... and what truly devastates me is the stonechips I have suffered already!

So what beats my detailing distress? I'll tell you, its when I can get the car transformed from a state of muck like this:

To a premier sheen such as this:

You cannae beat it! I'm sorry but I just love my car, and so the hours and tender love spent maintaining its beauty is worthwhile in my eyes - and watch this space, I've still loads to learn in the world of deatiling when you look at the likes of Polished Bliss who seem able to produce a finish like this!

Some expense will have to be justified but I think all in all, if I continue with the plans and dreams I have for the car now, it is worth it in the end. Definite.

Nothing else new in the car apart from I finally got around to swapping the side indicator lenses from orange to clear in keeping with the front clears and planned purchasing of rears too, but I also need to get the spoiler looked at by Altered Image ASAP as it is wobbling more than an OAP's walking stick just now... worrying. Fortunately, I'm due out there tomorrow to pick up my mate Icy's Mk3 Golf which has been in for some work... I'll address the spoiler issue then!

Pics of the lense swap!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Looks a treat! Doesn't it?

Oh, I lost a forty quid piece of bumper mesh too the other week, not in the slightest fucking happy about that! I think I'd rather nick it off some other bmw than fork out for that again!

And there's a planned wheel refurbishment coming in the next month or so too... As ever, watch this space!

And to round the post off with even more image-whoring, her is moi, cleaning the car... LOL!

SOAPY!

Hahahahaha!

2007-03-05T18:03:00.000Z

A friend of mine's latest tattoo...

Dafty! Which reminds me, I have a couple wee ideas on the go for my next one, whenever that will happen...

R.I.P Pen, I'll miss you.

2007-03-05T17:52:00.000Z

It's gone, that familiar feeling, that sense of belonging that keeps you together through pages and pages of notes, scribbles and doodles. Once it expires, there is no hope of return, no bringing back the smudges, no matter how messy or beautifully it scrolls... once your ink runs out, it runs out.

Yes, that's right, my faithful pen is finished. First acquired as a souvenier from the Royal Botanical Gardens in Edinburgh last summer, it had served me well as my first choice quill, a reminder of a grand day out where I found yet another cow parade figure but also a trusted and loyal dispensery of inkage that kept me going WRITE* through my 1st and 2nd terms at Heriot Watt, it is now extinguished, empty and "ran oot".

Sincerely, I am genuinely a tad gutted. As I write this posting, Oasis' Stand By Me plays on my itunes and fittingly so, because that darn pen did stand by me, especially during the last week or so as I have suffered my equivalent of Writer's Block amongst the avalanche of essays and assignments that I have due and overdue respectively - It kept me going through the times of mispellings and shite grammar and it lead me through the confusion of whether the fuck it's ect or etc? (Still not quite so sure!!! Andrew - Help!?)

You may think it is sad, but surely you can identify with a pen or pencil once in your lifetime, that fitted just so nicely in your grip? That made the words just flow like a morning pish, elagantly and unwavering! In exams, by Christ, it was untouchable! Like a Samurai and his sword, me and my pen were indeed mighty as fuck, especially if you consider that I passed two of them with little or no revision whatsoever last term... such was the extraordinary influence of my pen and the fluid which spilled from its glorious nib, Ah! It's perfectly formed ballpoint end... I'll miss it. Fuck... I will bloody miss it now, exams start next week!

Hmm... an upgrade will have to be employed, perhaps I'll treat myself for my birthday and get a silver Parker pencil/pen combo for a tenner, no shitty bic's for me!

Alas, my dear pen, you served me well, may you pass to wherever good pen's go.

Your master.

In case anyone is remotely interested, or even still reading this (Well done!), it dispensed black ink, twisted not cli-clicked into position, and time of death was aprox. 03:36am on Monday 5th March 2007 - five days before my birthday, in case you avid readers have forgotten! :-)

*I know, I know... that is a piss poor excuse for a pun, and in respect of the tragedy that has occurred, a tad lacking in decorum. Apologies, I only tried to lighten my mood a little.

Fed up.

2007-02-24T19:38:00.000Z

I was doing fine at Uni this term... then I missed an assignment by mistake, got an extension for it, as well as other assignments coming in, and I just can't fucking motivate myself enough to do them on time, and now as I'm over the deadlines issued, I'm sitting here trying to make up a good excuse as to why it is marginally late, whilst at the same time kicking myself because the assignments are not even that hard, so why the fuck am I allowing myself to fail again, where the fuck is the motivation? Why is it so difficult to get going, even when Kirsty is screaming at me, my folks are making sure I'm sticking in... fuck me, why can't I just do it early rather than wait to the last possible minute?

Why? Why? Why?

I have no idea, it's not like the work is beyond me all I do know is if I continue like this, I'm going nowhere, fast.

Fuck!

Beating the gut!

2007-02-03T16:31:00.001Z

Well, if you follow this blog and have read my 'Reflecting on 2006...' entry, I wrote:

"Particularly regarding my whole knee/weight/judo situation, which I think to keep it in a nutshell, requires a massive lifestyle change from now on... not just everchanging weekly remedies, but really start to lay down some ground rules in my life again, be who I used to be. So hopefully for the last time, I'll be saying, "Watch this space!" "Get the Men's Health magazines oot!"

So far, I'm doing well.

Diet has changed and for the better, mainly grilled chicken, fruit smoothies, salads and so far this month I haven't really had a "Shouldn't eat it but I will anyway" meal and I'm really enjoying it too, I definitely feel better for it.
Also I've joined another gym which is literally next door to my flat, and I've been going! Regularly! And I'm enjoying it too!

So far this month, I've lost almost a stone and I'm delighted, although no distinct change in my appearance, it is a start, a means to an end.

Target setting seems to be getting me places though. I got me some scales but they only went to 110kg, so of course being about 120kg I went right around the clock and then some, so that I registered 10kg. My first target was to get to 0kg as soon as possible (End of Jan was my real aim) and I fucking did it.

Same goes for measuring levels of fitness, for example, doing interval training on the rowing machine I was attempting 500m as fast as possible, with 1min rest, x 3. To begin with I was averaging 2mins 10secs, my aim was 2mins dead as soon as possible. I smashed that in a week, 2mins dead.

I feel I am well on my way and its really driving me on too.

Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours with a Personal Trainer* at the gym, creating a "jamie-specific" programme and it is fucking intense, really think it's gonna get me where I wanna be faster. Big thanks to the guy Philip for his help.

So, onwards and upwards, to fitdom!

*Personal Trainer - Just wanna give a wee shout of CONGRATULATIONS to my best mate Myk for getting a place on a personal training course to be a qualified cunt that screams and shouts at fat people, for £40p/h! Go on my son!

Och aye the noo!

2007-02-03T16:26:00.000Z

Burn's night last week and just look at the size of Haggis we had.

Freshly caught, of course!

First time I've ever actually tucked into a Haggis, unless you listen to my Mum's blatant lies that I used to eat "everything" when I was wee... I so did not.

It was tasty.

Going places, but where?

2007-01-29T11:40:00.001Z

Lately I've been getting a bit of a travelling bug. Sure, I've always had wee ideas about places I'd like to go, but whilst I don't long to take a year out and tramp it across the globe with a backpack and flopflips, one of my biggest regrets in Uni life thus far is not going abroad or doing something remotely cool with my summers off...

My brother is going to the Seychelles this summer, for 10 weeks. (Motherfucker!) Several mates have all done the summers in America, be it teaching football to fat yank kids, or sailing in the mediteranean (sp?) all summer, I really wish I had something impressive nailed in one of my many summers I've wasted so far.

So, I'm booking a wee trip to Poland with my brothers in May, kind of two celebration of their 18th/21st birthdays, but its better than a piss up in Elgin, I get to catch up with a very good friend of mine and I get to explore or visit someplace new!

Before I go there though, I have a trip to London planned, though not abroad I am looking forward to this, as like most of my previous foreign trips, I've been loads but the judo life never really permitted me to check places out, so hopefully I'll do stuff like go on the London Eye, eye up the Queen and so on...

But these are just semi cheap visitations, and so I've casted my aspirations a little further - Asia.

I have always always wanted to go to Japan, and with two chances to go that I've missed out on and a mate at Uni who just returned from a year there, my desire is stronger, I dunno why I wanna go there but the home of judo, japanese way of life and just the fact it is meant to be a completely different lifestyle over there really appeals to me. I'd just love to spend like, three months there or summat.

It'll come.

In the meantime though, I might, a strong might, be going to India for a friend's wedding and another friend (same circle of buddies) is up for going too, so it could be a good trip hahaha! Straight in, straight out, like a terrorist!

Like I said, I've really been getting the travelling bug lately, damn my debt to high hell... else I'd be away more often!

Comments?

2007-01-29T11:32:00.000Z

No fucker ever leaves me comments, once or twice I've had a faint whisper of commendation but nothing random or consistent from any of you cunts that reads this.

*Taps on screen glass*

Hello?

Hmm... what if nobody reads this?

Though I do have one fan, my wee brother Andrew, god bless you man, you keep the spirit of my blog alive.

Yes, you see that?! Upon his trusty steed, he looks after my ego.

All I'm saying is, it would be nice to know you enjoyed it or if anyone indeed reads this because my blog is a bit like a one night stand or a toilet seat, sure its nice and warm, but you always wonder who was there before you.

So come on, cometh your comments.