Jamie Williams

Just look at that!!! How bloody useful is that! A wee guide to racking up the balls on your standard issue pool table found in pubs all over the place...



Now if you know me well, you'll know that I'm fucking clueless at setting the balls up for a game - don't scoff and say it's simple because it fucking isn't, for as long as I've known, I've remembered one single fact about pool and that is that there is not one single, correct, completely fair and proper way of setting the balls up in the first place. Confused, let me put it simply but explicitly, three corners, two colours. Simple as.

And that's why I can never remember which is the typical way to set them up, because in my head it just doesn't make sense, you may as well line them all up against the cushion for all I fucking care but I really really fucking hate when people moan at me like I'm a fingerless spastic saying "you're doing it all wrong..." when really, there not doing it right, because no one can.

So, it's nice to see a wee "map" if you will, detailing out a universally accepted way of laying out the balls, and I think everyone should stick to THAT, and so none of this blue balls instead of red caper either, just red and yellow, green cloth, proper cues with no loose tips and at least ONE chalk piece of adequate condition, readily available. Because I'm fucking fed up with shite slagging matches about something that can't be fixed, and poor equipment, but most of all... people making up their own bloody rules.

Especially my Mum and Dad.

Let's just get it made CLEAR, and to my dear brothers, let's use this as a drunken reference for the future arguments which will still be ongoing by the time we get back to the house from the Rocker and still arguing over their cheating ways...

1. You cannot shoot back on the black. No further description needed, this is CLEAR. (Ok, Dad?)
2. ONE shot on the black. ONE. ONE ONLY. ONLY ONE SHOT ON THE FUCKING BLACK. Have I made myself clear?
3. Pick your pocket when attempting to pot the black. Point with your cue tip, name it, whatever. No lies!
4. Two shots for a foul.
5. When you carry these two shots. Potting the first, then missing the next, means you have ONE more shot. Not this fucking missing the first ball, potting the second, then claiming you STILL have two shots. CHEAT!
6. You are no longer allowed to call for the bar owner's advice for some fucking stewards inquiry. (If I hear Mam going "GEORGE! GEORGE! C'MERE!" again I'm wrapping that cue around her nut...

Mam, Dad, if you ever see this, you have been warned, play fair in future... Barrie, Andrew, Aaron... brush up or don't play at all, you're wasting precious pool time and me and the old's have a score to settle.

Much love. xxx